...

I talked yesterday with my brother over the gchat. Very short, just to find out he's looking for a job same as I do. Toward the end he mentioned my nephew's first birthday coming... I haven't seen him yet. That's sad enough, especially that I don't know if I will be able to go and visit Poland this summer. All's in the air.

But what saddened me more, is that at the end he causally mentioned, that if I wanted to send a package for the little one, clothing would be best b/c American cotton is better.
I felt angry and sad, that I can't afford it. And even more that he thinks I am so rich I can just like that send packages. I probably could buy a few pieces of clothing, I know how to find them cheaply but in good quality... but the cost of international mail is prohibitive. I can't afford paying around $70 for just the postage. I don't know how to break it to him. I wish I could just send stuff... but that's not that bad, I can deal with that. But the fact that he just assumes I can send stuff, even though I just told him I won't have a job next year... it's just disturbing to me. It's sad. They think America is some kind of paradise. eich...

visiting old corners

I am not really sure why, but I decided to go back to an old forum I used to be very active in. It's a Polish-Jewish discussion place. I started there over ten years ago, and became good friends with a few people there. One of them is still my best friend. There is some nostalgia in me going back .. I have no idea what I want to accomplish or get.

I knew that getting on a thread on homosexuality in the Torah would be a bad idea. But I had no idea how bad... The comments on how someone is "disgusted" with homosexuals, how they should be banned from adoptions, comparing to pedophilia (yep)... all was there. Even the old argument of "the heterosexuals don't show off with their orientation, why the gays have to". Idiocy. I don't know what I wanted to achieve discussing someone's very strict answer on absolute prohibition of homosexuality in the Torah... nothing works. I was basically told to choose another religion if I don't like that Judaism prohibits it. Progressive Jews were made fun of, and suggested they are not real Jews.

What a catastrophe. I know I am not going back to Poland, for many reasons. But one of the main ones is, that I refuse to live in the closet. I lived enough years with a mask on, lying to myself, others, pretending and trying to fit in. I want to be open at work, to family and friends. I don't want anyone judging my potential ability to be a mother based on whom I love.

To be clear - there were some voices trying to stand for gays... but even these brought an argument, that if they gays could choose they would prefer being straight (as part of an argument that it's not gays' fault, it's biological).

So sad. I guess that's similar to some more right-wing/evangelical places here. Maybe it's good, so I can stop having silly ideas of finding job in Omaha or Louisiana.

All this negativity of the past days, job search, fear, stress, headaches and anxiety get to me. I was really down today, even the kids were noticing. It's hard to keep up.

the most recent idea: get to graduate program with scholarship or something, to keep visa. I have good friends helping me, it's really great.

the so called pro-life folks.

I've just read this article on ThinkProgress. It discusses another campaign directed at the made up "Black genocide" that is supposed to be happening at the moment through abortions. One of the billboards is this:

Just recently I was thinking something very slightly similar. How many talents are wasted, how many Einsteins never discovered, how many talents never get explored. But not because of abortion, but rather what happens with the poor and unwanted that are being born and no one cares after. I wish the "pro-life" people focused more on helping the ones who are around us already, instead of just on fetuses. Some how the "fetus in danger" becomes totally uninteresting another black mouth in line to food stamps, together with his/her mother the butt of racist jokes and continues to live through racist and classist  abuse through legal system. 


This is sick. In what world a cluster of cells has more rights and worth than a human being?

resumes, cover letters...

I have lost my job a week ago. I am past the grieving time (actually it was pretty short) and am in the organizing and looking forward one. I wasn't exactly fired - simply my contract will not be renewed for the next year because of low enrollment. Which is terrifying for me, especially with the severe anxiety issues that I struggle with. But I do have job for now, and money till August. But no savings. I went through the self-whipping phase of "why did I buy this, why not save!", but there is no sense to dwell in it, nothing productive comes from it.
I realized that I have nothing against moving to a different place. Honestly, there is nothing in Baltimore to keep me here, other than a few people I like. I know it's a great chance to find a nice community with more people like me, more cultural opportunities and so on. So what's the anxiety about? It's all about getting there. The process, the job interviews, insecurities, and the worst: moving. I love my apartment, and the fact that I can afford it - unless I move somewhere like Idaho, I won't be able to afford 2bdroom apartment anymore. The perspective of looking for a new one, being scared of commitment to a wrong place or the necessity of having roommates, freaks me out.
For the first phase, I am sending cv's to San Diego, DC and Boston. I think Boston would be the best, but the school has very high standards in Hebrew and I am afraid they might find me not good enough. But I have a very good friend there, and I loved the city when visited. It's also close to Vermont, where I have more great friends. And there is this... atmosphere I miss in Baltimore.

So yeah, a lot of stress mixed with hope and excitement.