I am going to Chicago

I got the job. I am relieved, even if I don't really fell it... I am still anxious and stressed as obviously it's not finished. Now it's about papers and visa, then moving, finding an apt and so on... But, I got the job! I feel like it will be a good thing for me, change, more social options, more life... I think I need to come out of my shell more, and living without a car in this village made it really difficult. I want to go out sometimes, but the logistics make it prohibitive. I will live in the city! Not downtown, obviously, but nowhere near the suburban desert I live in now. There will be cafes, shops, clubs, pubs, artsy stuff, university, cinemas... normal life. I really need it. I wish I could skip the legal/immigration paper work... it's stressful, expensive and time consuming. At least searching for apt is more fun... in theory. But I have no idea how I can choose anything from here... I don't know if I would be as lucky as with the apt in my complex, I don't want to be hoaxed or end up with a year-long lease for a dirty hole with cockroaches. In photos you can make any place look decent. I will check the apartments ratings, maybe that will narrow down the best in my budget. I will have to only sized down, but also pay slightly more than I am paying now, with the salary almost same as now (just a bit less). I could theoretically find an apt or studio for less than now, but even in the photos it was obvious they were bad quality. I want the best quality for what I can afford. I prefer to save the $100 on other things and add it to the rent. This time it should be easier... I have all the most important furniture, kitchen appliances, dishes and so on. I don't have to spend much on the house anymore. I have to be able to continue supporting my mother, I was hoping to raise the amount  I sent her monthly. Maybe I will be able to get something on a side...

In the meantime, I am trying to catch up on blogs, I found some new ones which were interesting but that's for another entry.

When I look for job offers, I try to also learn about the place and imagine myself living there. I know that in the end I will probably take the first offer I get, as it's pretty dry... but it's fun to think about it and I think it helps with the anxiety a bit.
I always look for the same things: proximity to the city's center/downtown, craigslist apartment rental prices, walkscore.com to check if I can survive there without a car. I sometimes check the forums on city-data.com, to get a better feel for the place. I feel like I am learning a lot about America in that way!

I thought that I would write down some interesting things I found out.

Atlanta, GA - great gay community (esp. if I scored the job in gay synagogue), good weather for riding a scooter, walkability livable. Good prices for rental.

Bridgeport, CT -  the town itself kind of strange, a lot of areas that are not safe. Very high rental compared to the salaries and general likability of the town. A lot of the apts didn't look great. bad public transport, so a bit difficult with no car.

Spokane, WA - I think best option - it scored "walker's paradise", the apts are cheap, and the salary is higher than I have now. It's probably quite cold and rainy... but not too bad.

Portland, ME - beautiful area, great for hikes. Long winters with so-so public transport. But the city is pretty small and seems like it would be pretty easy to walk to a lot of places. Rentals not scary, but nothing special.

Las Vegas, NV - desert, in the middle of nowhere. I like desert, but living there might be tough... good for a scooter though. In NW is actually walkable/reachable, with so-so public transport. But the apts are cheap and beautiful! Some half the price I pay now.

Washington, DC - well, it's DC :), great public transport, no need for a car. Apt prices are ridiculously high, and it might be that I woiuld have to either sell my kidney, rent a closet or live with a roommate to survive.

Bay Area, CA - a few different places really, but similar pros and cons. Beautiful, weather, gays, scooter-weather, but high prices for rentals and very far anywhere outside of the small area where I would live.

San Antonio, TX - hot, Texas, far from everywhere, very difficult to survive without a car. Could use a scooter, but still difficult even though the weather helps. The rentals weren't that bad, but nothing special.

the limbo time of my life

It's been more than a month later, and I still have no job. It is very worrisome. there is only so much time I can wait before I should pack and go back to Poland. This is terrifying, as I have no idea what I would do, and am afraid that a year break would be the kill of my career as an educator in the US. I have to apply for a visa renewal like, now. It's all is really scary and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I upped my meds a bit to get it down a bit.

The best side of it all? The extremely positive feedback I've been getting from my students. It is just so uplifting and warming... I think I've been dealing pretty well with the situation and am a good role model. I try to look at the positives :)

I am really worry about my Mom... I am afraid I won't be able to go and visit my family again this year. It's been three years since I saw any of them... My little nephew is already a year old, and I haven't had a chance to see him yet. It is painful even for me, rather removed and introverted person.

I think I should write here more... I post often links to articles on my FB, but I miss the forum to say more what I think. I gotta spring back up from the dark period I am going through. I've killed half my plants because I simply didn't feel like watering them anymore... I have to throw them away, as now I can see their dried up carcasses around. All the energy I had I seemed to be spending at work to keep up the joyful face and approach my kids with the same energy and attitude as usual. They are not the ones who should be punished for the board's bad politics and decisions.

It's funny that I am not actually scared of the place I will end up in. I am totally fine with almost all the places I could theoretically work. Atlanta, Spokane, Portland (ME), Bridgeport, LA... Each different, but I know I will easily get used to living there. I am pretty easy with that... It's the not knowing that is so nerve-wrecking. I see positive sides of each position, each place... even the return to Poland. But I hate to be in the limbo. The in-between is the most scary to me.

Waiting is killing me.

I am supposed to be informed regarding my possible position in Tulsa by tomorrow. It's been really hard to be patient... I have involved so much thinking, hopes, time and energy into this, that I am afraid the possible disappointment would be a blow. It's hard to do anything else, all I do is just a waiting filler, my mind completely preoccupied. They had one more person to be interviewed this weekend, so it is between him and me. I know I shouldn't have put so much energy into this option when I am still not sure about anything... but that's how I work - when an idea pops up in my head, I just dive head in to learn all I an about it, research, dig, gather information. Same about this job - I know more about the rental market there than many pros. I recognize addresses, places ... I've read too many forum entries, opinions, discussions and even local news. It's as if I were already living there...

I try to be calm and patient, but it's so hard!

Oklahoma on my mind...

I've been thinking a lot about Tulsa, as that's one of my job opportunities. I have a skype interview today. I've been checking out apartments, reading forums on crime and zeitgeist of Tulsa, and generally imagining myself living there.
I have this interesting personality trait, that I can easily adapt to whatever place I might be living. I take it as it is, and go with it. I focus on the good, and accept it as the reality without much negativity. I discovered it a while ago, and I think that's what helped me survive living in such wide variety of places.

I found that Tulsa has a low crime, living close to the center would be just slightly more expensive than what I have now, the people are extremely nice and polite. As much as there isn't extreme high "culture" activity, there seems to be a lot of nice places to go, hang out (cafes! real ones!), walk around... Cherry Str. seems to be a nice place to live close to.

Of course I could be living a tad farther away in VERY affordable apartments, but then I would have to have a car. I also am dreaming about finally living in a place that I can easily walk to get a nice cup of coffee, find a bookstore, be close to a park or just interesting places to walk around.

There are also other, very important, positives about having a job in a place like Tulsa: the people would really wanted me there. I would feel needed, I would feel I can make a difference. And that's beautiful. I still hope for Gann Academy in Boston, as that's a serious step up in teaching reputation... But there is so many people who also would love to live in Boston, and I am not sure that what I have to offer would be cherished and appreciated as much as in a smaller community.

work ethic and personal integrity

It's been hard to master enthusiasm at work, now that I know I am not coming back. But I notice surprisingly low amount of anger and no desire to get revenge. I am looking forward, considering various options of future employment. But I have a colleague in the same situation as mine and I am more and more disappointed with his reaction. He is full of anger, and tries to get me into this spin as well. He does not only joke, but openly says (even to students!) that he's done with teaching for this year. How can he say that? That kind of attitude is robbing off my employer and my students. I am paid for the job I am doing now, and I working because that's what I was hired to do, not because I hope for the employment next year. It's harder now, and I may joke about "what will they do, fire me?", but it's just joking with me. I still take my work very seriously. The students especially did not deserve getting crappy education because of my private issues.

I have noticed some angry reactions from some of the students. Two of them had similar kind of comments - why the school can't fire the "bad teachers". As much as I may have some personal thoughts as to who should go and who should stay and there is some bitterness on my tongue... (I am not a saint!) I try and keep it to myself. I was very clear to the kids, that there are no "bad teachers" in the school. It was nice to hear they express their affection to me, but that's not the way I want it, I don't want to hear I am "better" than my colleague from a fifteen-year old. They can't appreciate the depth of his knowledge, the traditional upbringing he got and the seriousness of his commitment to his traditions. They like me, b/c I am more "cool". But teaching is not a popularity contest.

On Sunday I have my first interview - over the skype. I am nervous but also confident enough. I more and more feel confident about finding something, now the question is, how good and where...

visiting old corners

I am not really sure why, but I decided to go back to an old forum I used to be very active in. It's a Polish-Jewish discussion place. I started there over ten years ago, and became good friends with a few people there. One of them is still my best friend. There is some nostalgia in me going back .. I have no idea what I want to accomplish or get.

I knew that getting on a thread on homosexuality in the Torah would be a bad idea. But I had no idea how bad... The comments on how someone is "disgusted" with homosexuals, how they should be banned from adoptions, comparing to pedophilia (yep)... all was there. Even the old argument of "the heterosexuals don't show off with their orientation, why the gays have to". Idiocy. I don't know what I wanted to achieve discussing someone's very strict answer on absolute prohibition of homosexuality in the Torah... nothing works. I was basically told to choose another religion if I don't like that Judaism prohibits it. Progressive Jews were made fun of, and suggested they are not real Jews.

What a catastrophe. I know I am not going back to Poland, for many reasons. But one of the main ones is, that I refuse to live in the closet. I lived enough years with a mask on, lying to myself, others, pretending and trying to fit in. I want to be open at work, to family and friends. I don't want anyone judging my potential ability to be a mother based on whom I love.

To be clear - there were some voices trying to stand for gays... but even these brought an argument, that if they gays could choose they would prefer being straight (as part of an argument that it's not gays' fault, it's biological).

So sad. I guess that's similar to some more right-wing/evangelical places here. Maybe it's good, so I can stop having silly ideas of finding job in Omaha or Louisiana.

All this negativity of the past days, job search, fear, stress, headaches and anxiety get to me. I was really down today, even the kids were noticing. It's hard to keep up.

the most recent idea: get to graduate program with scholarship or something, to keep visa. I have good friends helping me, it's really great.

resumes, cover letters...

I have lost my job a week ago. I am past the grieving time (actually it was pretty short) and am in the organizing and looking forward one. I wasn't exactly fired - simply my contract will not be renewed for the next year because of low enrollment. Which is terrifying for me, especially with the severe anxiety issues that I struggle with. But I do have job for now, and money till August. But no savings. I went through the self-whipping phase of "why did I buy this, why not save!", but there is no sense to dwell in it, nothing productive comes from it.
I realized that I have nothing against moving to a different place. Honestly, there is nothing in Baltimore to keep me here, other than a few people I like. I know it's a great chance to find a nice community with more people like me, more cultural opportunities and so on. So what's the anxiety about? It's all about getting there. The process, the job interviews, insecurities, and the worst: moving. I love my apartment, and the fact that I can afford it - unless I move somewhere like Idaho, I won't be able to afford 2bdroom apartment anymore. The perspective of looking for a new one, being scared of commitment to a wrong place or the necessity of having roommates, freaks me out.
For the first phase, I am sending cv's to San Diego, DC and Boston. I think Boston would be the best, but the school has very high standards in Hebrew and I am afraid they might find me not good enough. But I have a very good friend there, and I loved the city when visited. It's also close to Vermont, where I have more great friends. And there is this... atmosphere I miss in Baltimore.

So yeah, a lot of stress mixed with hope and excitement.