Yom Kippur

Tonight starts Yom Kippur and it feels really strange here, where I am now. It is the first time I am so isolated from any kind of Jewish community (other than over the internet). It is hard to remember, it is hard to make it different and meaningful... And it creates a lot of questions for myself: do I even care enough anymore?

Over the past few years I have been changing in my attitude toward religion in general and my own Jewish practice in particular. Coming out as lesbian opened doors to every kind of self-reflection. I was tired of lies, tired of living the way I thought I should have, instead of the way I believed was *my* way. I started to question everything, my motivations, my needs, my beliefs... Religion and devotion didn't stand a chance. I have had very old and strong roots in atheism and very rational, cold approach to religion. For years I tried to suffocate them as to fit in into what I thought I wanted. I really tried hard to be devoted orthodox Jewess, I took the whole package and didn't know there was another way. Now I am happily Jewish without the spirituality, ritual. I am not afraid to admit I feel disgusted with some aspects of our tradition, the same way I feel proud of other ones. Am I part of the modern "supermarket religion"? I pick and choose... except it's not exactly a religion anymore. Tradition? Belonging? Nationality? I don't know. Nationality probably not, as I don't really feel part of any nation. Maybe ethnicity? I guess that would be the best guess. I am still fascinated by the people being part of this rich tradition. The evolution of ideas, the social changes, the good and the bad. I love the craving for goodness, for social equality, struggles to achieve the most just society possible... they called it God and religion, for me it's more of a study in human nature and human socialization.

So what should I do with this day? Join in fast? I won't pray, as I don't think there is anything that listens. I could turn to the original meaning of the word "pray" in Hebrew, lehitpalel, which means self inspection, self-judgment... This is needed for every one, each person trying to live an honest life. We must check ourselves up once in a while... Not out of fear of punishment, but out of this ancient craving to reach goodness. I try to be an honest person, I am learning about my own prejudices, the stereotypes I still believe deep inside me, I don't trust my judgments and try to analyze them for possible biases. But I also know I don't do enough. Learning about today's Nobel Peace Prize reciepients I feel bad, that I dont' do more. Just understanding problems, thinking and learning about them is not enough, it's not a goal in itself, it's the means to reach something else. I try to do my part by educating others... but is it really enough? I hope I planted seads in my students that will help them question their own privilege, sensitize them to the inequality around them...

It's a new year, new beginning ... That's symbolism which probably speaks to everyone. It is quite fitting that my new company was established around Rosh Hashana. It is a new beginning for me... and I am terrified where it goes. I don't know if it succeeds, if I can support myself not to even mention my mother. I know nothing, I can only hope. But I won't pray, unless I take it with the humanistic approach: as an expression of personal hopes and wishes... If so, then I pray that my modest actions will join others in creating more equal, just and accepting world around us, one day at a time, one mind at a time.

ok, scratch that, I am NOT going to Chicago

I don't even want to get into all the bureaucracy and immigration issues, the point is, I am not staying in the US and am going back to Poland. It's been just too much anxiety and stress over the past three months, I need a rest.
The positive side is, I've been showered with love, support and genuine gratitude from everyone around me. I have no idea where my life goes from here, but I am quite positive. I am excited about seeing my family and helping my Mom. Three years is really too long... I am fantasizing about my Mom's apartment and how it needs some serious painting and rehab. I will go and visit my brother and see my nephew for the first time. Go vacationing with my best friend... It's not all that bad, right? I have no idea what the work situation will be like, or  what kind of work I am will be able to find, but again, I am quite positive. It's quite amazing how I've grown in self confidence over the past two-three years and am sure it will be fine. I have some savings, even though not that much and a lot of it will go for shipping books. I am sad to leave some awesome stuff behind, on the other hand it's quite cathartic to just get read of all the ballast, and build myself again from scratch. The only things that I want to keep are the best of clothing, electronics and books. Only a few items from the artsy side - ceramic from Israel, old masks found on eBay, a few souvenirs with strong emotional connection. The rest? all going away. Sometimes I feel that other people are more sad about my apartment than I am. I loved working on it, the paint, the murals, the art... But it's not for ever. The process brought as much enjoyment and pleasure as living in it. It wouldn't be as much fun if someone else had done it for me. I still can carry this enjoyment with me. And do something new for other people. Maybe will attack my brother's white walls :D
Maybe it was just the time to move on to the next great adventure (just not that one).

the "sweet" part of bitter-sweet

Today was the last day at school. There is still the official graduation and that's it... I must stay that I am still overwhelmed with all the love I continue to be showered with. I have a history of pretty low self-esteem, on which I've been working through therapy for the past two years. It's only this year really when I started to feel more confident in my professional skills, in being a good teacher. But still I wasn't thinking much of myself, and I knew that my way of dealing with students is not the easiest to be much beloved. I am not the fluffy bunny, I never let whine about other teachers and bad mouth them (unless it's a serious sharing during advisory and constructive discussion on dealing with a problem). I am rather coldish, I don't hug, I don't giggle or squee. I dont' share much of my private life, I am sarcastic and quite strict, I think. I do joke a lot, as I have quite a sense of humor... but I have no problem with being deadly serious, kick out a kid for detention or go hard on someone. And still.. the words I've been hearing from my kids over the past few months, and especially the past few days... they melt even my Polish soul. Some kids would come and hang out in my room for no reason, as if unable to leave and go home... One kids said she was not looking forward to the end of the year, because I wouldn't be there the next one... Even the "cool and tough" kids came to me to share more feelings that they ever did before... I got beautiful, funny or heart breaking words written in my year book autographs booklet. I know I will be coming back to it often, to keep me going, whenever I would feel down or losing my faith in my teaching skills.
I have made custom cards for some of my kids. Snapfish is really cool for that. I chose some quotes on one side, my own photo on front and back, and wrote a personal note to each of the students. I chose to do that for my advanced classes, as I have been with them longer and have had absolutely blast of a year... I also gave each to my freshmen advisees. I seriously care for each and every one of them, even if each of them was at least once a royal pain in the butt :) One kid, who has pathological approach to writing anything, wrote a whole paragraph for me... I still need to decipher parts of his handwriting, but just the length of it made me fly to the sky.

It's really difficult to leave, but if I weren't, would I even found out how much I am liked? I think it's the first time that I feel it, from so many people... colleagues, kids, parents. I try to treasure the moments, store them and learn to believe in myself more.

resumes, cover letters...

I have lost my job a week ago. I am past the grieving time (actually it was pretty short) and am in the organizing and looking forward one. I wasn't exactly fired - simply my contract will not be renewed for the next year because of low enrollment. Which is terrifying for me, especially with the severe anxiety issues that I struggle with. But I do have job for now, and money till August. But no savings. I went through the self-whipping phase of "why did I buy this, why not save!", but there is no sense to dwell in it, nothing productive comes from it.
I realized that I have nothing against moving to a different place. Honestly, there is nothing in Baltimore to keep me here, other than a few people I like. I know it's a great chance to find a nice community with more people like me, more cultural opportunities and so on. So what's the anxiety about? It's all about getting there. The process, the job interviews, insecurities, and the worst: moving. I love my apartment, and the fact that I can afford it - unless I move somewhere like Idaho, I won't be able to afford 2bdroom apartment anymore. The perspective of looking for a new one, being scared of commitment to a wrong place or the necessity of having roommates, freaks me out.
For the first phase, I am sending cv's to San Diego, DC and Boston. I think Boston would be the best, but the school has very high standards in Hebrew and I am afraid they might find me not good enough. But I have a very good friend there, and I loved the city when visited. It's also close to Vermont, where I have more great friends. And there is this... atmosphere I miss in Baltimore.

So yeah, a lot of stress mixed with hope and excitement.

costumes and masks

Today is Purim, the Jewish holiday of masks, costumes, joy and silliness. In my struggle with unhealthy sensitivity to others' opinions about myself, I've been trying to push myself out there and dress up whenever I can (also for Spirit Week in my school, which will follow), dealing with the constant insecurity and paranoia of others judging me. My low self-esteem mixed with this paranoia, or rather quest for "proving" myself correct in the negative thoughts, has been with me for too long, making it difficult to recognize what is true and what is only a result of my fears and insecurities. I have a constant battle within me between the desire to do something loud for which I would be praised and the scared retreat caused by strong belief that I would never be praised anyway. Two polar opposites... It's either victory or it's the deepest lows of failure. I am working on accepting that being "just ok" or average is not a failure. That I don't have to be the best and far above the "good" to be accepted.

And as silly as it might sound, putting on a costume is a form of a therapy for me. Because of the fear that people might laugh at me, scrutinize my ideas and their application. Yesterday I went out in my self-made costume of Bellatrix LaStrange (it was "heroes and villains" theme), and wasn't trying to look for weird looks or scrutinizing eyes.

Tomorrow I will dress up as well, to work. Same on Tuesday and other days of the week. I will have fun and enjoy it. I will not try to be perfect or the best... But just enjoy it.

new camera

I love photography. I love looking through the view finder, the sounds, the images... I love the emotional security that hiding behind a camera offers. I love the passive capturing of reality. I love how an image stays frozen, holding to time and space long gone.
I have a dream that one day I will be able to support myself through photography... I don't find it realistic, but it would be so wonderful.

Last week, after a few years of trying, I got myself my first digital SLR. As usual I feel guilty, as there is so much other things I should rather be saving for... But it was from the tax return, so it was a bit as if I simply never got the money.

I got a canon rebel T2i. For the time being I can afford only one lens, I already want one more macro and one telephoto for better candids.

It's been just a few days and I've taken already a few hundreds photos. The love came back. like a strong wave in my veins. The excitement, the anxiety to catch the flying away moments. The anxiety over my subjects not noticing me taking the photos. Playing with colors, monochromatic images and various options. It was weird that no one was paying attention to me, I felt that I must have been radiating, shining from inside.

the thing about insecurity

Yesterday I've been the second time to the local bi/gay women support group. I think it's a great thing for me and I really need it. I am proud that I made this step as it's a tremendous anxiety causing event. But I went, I talked, I listened, I felt I belonged. I am coming back in two weeks.
Each time I've heard something on what kind of qualities the women liked or disliked I automatically heard this voice in my head "oh-oh... that's me! oh no!". One of the women said how insecurity is a turn off, that she wants the women to be able to do the first step, speak up, be assertive and even a bit aggressive. And I kind of sunk inside, as I'm nothing of that. I almost wanted to negate all I am just to get her approval. But then I started to think: What is the chance we would ever hook up? Yes, she is damn cute, but she is a totally different personality, too confident, to much oxygen-consuming type to my liking. Why do I have to always look for approval? This is hard. I am really proud that I was able to speak up for the introverted types, that it's not so easy to just speak up to people, go out, hang out, do the small talk. I was actually pretty open, which I think is good for me.

But all of that got me also a bit sad, because in a way it just proved to me how difficult it is, for a lesbian, to get with someone. I guess shy guys might feel similar. Among heteros there is accepted patriarchal push for men to be the ones to start, and for women to be shy and playing cold. I hate this, but in a way it's useful. I am working on my shyness, but still it's dreadful to even imagine myself approaching someone I find attractive and chat. It's a nightmare to do it with someone I don't care about romantically, how much more with a potential love object? I am too much in my head, it's difficult.

I try not to be too tough on myself, I know I've made a great progress dealing with my anxiety and insecurities. but there is still so much to do...

living with anxiety

I have a serious anxiety disorder. And even if I meet with a therapist every week, and take various medications, I still struggle. It really doesn't help I am also introvert, shy, have low self-esteem and some light social phobias. I function best left to myself. I love being able to live on my own, with no roommates. My home is my haven, my asylum from the constant attack of people. I work at school, so I have to cope with noise, kids, interruption, misbehavior, occasional strangers, public announcements and similar stressors. I am able to do it, and most people are surprised when they find out I am nervous in interaction with people. I am able to put on a good act, I am doing whatever I have to do... but the price is high. I need time to reload. Hours of solitude, doing nothing or doing something - as long as I can be by myself. Whenever there is a particularly difficult day, I am physically drained, exhausted and unable to do anything productive.
It is also not easy during the waiting time for something big... I can't stop the constant attack of thoughts, images, scenarios of the upcoming event. No matter what I am trying to do, I worry constantly.
Even when the event is quite harmless... like a friend staying over. It's an invasion of my safe haven. She was supposed to come yesterday evening after a party she wanted to attend. The whole Friday and Saturday I was nervous. Cleaning, moving things, all the time nervously going through scenarios and automatically assuming the need to explain myself for various things. Suddenly the one thing that is the symbol of safety and calmness - my home, became the source of stress and attack on my low self-esteem. I felt defensive, I was expecting ridicule and harsh judgement about my decor choices, mess, or unfinished projects. Especially that this friend has sometimes a tendency to "fix" things. Small things... without asking taking off stickers from second-hand books. Cleaning candle holder from artistically and beautifully melted wax (I stopped her in time), putting things away where she thinks they should be... and generally feeling too at home in my own place. I feel attacked, and really uncomfortable.

In the end she didn't come, didn't feel well enough to go to the party. I can't even describe the relief... I am glad I put away some stuff and straightened up the apt a bit, as it's been waiting for it for a long time. But it also made me realize how stressed I was.

And I thought I would be able to get off the meds soon. I realized that some year ago I felt every day the way I felt over the two days.

making friends

I am an Innie. It's not easy to make friends for people like me. I am anxious in social situations, it takes me ages to get to used to someone's presence, not to even mention some kind of intimate relationship. In addition to being an Innie, I also have some social phobias and anxiety which really don't help. The only way I feel comfortable getting to know someone is kind of by accident. As a side effect or unexpected consequence. Like when in school and realizing after couple months that there is one or two people I really enjoy, and somehow we are friends without thinking about it. Setting me up terrifies me, no matter how good someone's intentions. Social gatherings exhaust me and hardly ever lead to anything significant (unless repeated multiple times in a natural way).

So now, I think I am getting a friend. Slowly. There is this guy who is an intern, who was present in some of my classes... I kept forgetting his name which was embarrassing (twice I didn't introduce him by name to my class b/c I forgot it) and I still don't remember his family name. Our first conversations were awkward and stressful (to me), it was more about what I thought I should have been saying, than any natural creation. But slowly we started to joke here and there, we realized we have some similar hobbies. We started to comment on FB, and somehow a thought came to me: "I think it would be nice to hang out with him, even outside of work".

I like it that way. Slowly, naturally, no pushing, no expectations. If we don't like each other enough to be friends, we simply remain in our work-roles. All this process (that took over two months I think), reminded me how typically difficult my social relations are. I guess I should be glad I am an Innie, it must be a hell for anxious Extrovert with social phobias...

A while ago I was teaching my kids on the meaning of our sages' saying "find yourself a teacher, acquire for yourself a friend". And I guess I was right, we are "acquiring" friends, not just "finding" them. It's a hard work, full of tension, possible pitfalls and risks. Once in a while worth engaging in.

BONES

The show, not my own skeleton's.
I fell in love. I started with the books, which are really great mystery. Packed with scientific facts which nourish my nerdy soul, witty humor and very strong, independent heroine. I am reading another one right now, as a matter of fact.
I had no idea it could get better than the books. Not in the detail department or build up of mystery - you can't do it in one episode per crime show. But the character? If it is indeed based on the books' author, Kathy Reichs, I so wanna be her friend. Or bone her (yep, cheap pun) ;-) It's so rare to have such strong, independent female lead role. Who is not only extremely educated, smart and logical, but also atheist, doesn't want children, doesn't watch tv, has questionable social skills (even worse than I), approaches the society with anthropological honesty and fascination. She is passionate, focused, and also beautiful without trying. She thinks plastic surgery is barbarism, admires the way we evolved, treats all religions on the same level (of interesting myths), has no problem with pointing it out to a Catholic partner (who makes fun of voodoo) and so on. I love how she is all in her head, because in a way I feel validated. I am not as smart, and I am not a scientist... But I am all head, thinking constantly and missing a lot of social clues and skills.
In addition to her perfect self, the team is also great. There is a bit of stereotypical nerds with no social skills, but then, it's quite normal to have geniuses who are quite literal, lack social skills or are so much in their heads, they don't get social clues.

So yeah, I am addicted :)

Dining room inspiration

I feel my dining room is the least "done" from my room. It was the first to reach somewhat of a readiness to be used, but since then it fell behind the others which were revamped and painted. It's kind of blah, boring and dark (it's a North side). I am browsing flickr to check if some inspiration comes... and found almost nothing. So got into some of my decor blogs, having more luck. Here are some finds:

I love this round table. I think in my smallish room it would fit much nicer than the big rectangular I have now. I don't entertain often enough to have such a big table. And I already wonder if I could do it DIY!

from desire to inspire

This one has also a very nice, cozy set:

desire to inspire

I like how nice, clean and simple this one is, but I am guessing my chairs wouldn't fit and the room is too dark for such a light composition... 

desire to inspire

This table is gorgeous. and heavy enough to accommodate my heavier-looking chairs.

design*sponge

This would also fit nicely. Good shape, not too big.

design*sponge

This blue table is stunning... It would be perfect.

eclectic dining room design - the houzz

It's pretty obvious to me that I can't really afford buying new, nice table. So I started to look around for DIY ideas as well... I think I will get a table top somewhere (I saw one on eBay) and make legs from pipes. I wanted to do something industrial for a while anyway. 

Hello, My Name Is Autsajder, And I'm an Innie.

"Innie" as in "Introvert". I've known that for years, but am reminded of the fact over and over. Last weekend I went for a retreat for my Educators Program alumni. It was really great to meet old friends and teachers. It was also really draining to mingle with so many strangers and semi-strangers. I haven't had the time to relax, chill out by myself, think and do nothing. Every meal with people, enforced conversations, chatting, ice-breakers and sharing. The whole week was really difficult not being able to refresh and recharge my batteries. Facing parent-teacher conference and Open House was triple whammy. Finally this weekend I can indulge in long sleep (almost 11h!), reading, lazy coffee drinking, thinking... Just my way to deal with the overstimulating outside.

I have found an amazing book by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, The Introvert Advantage. How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. I am half in, and I already learned a lot about myself. A lot of my behaviors and reactions I didn't even connect with being an introvert, I thought they existed independently. I am also shy and have anxiety issues, which seems to be more common among us, the Innies.

It is difficult not to feel guilty for refusing to go somewhere. I feel bad when someone invites me for a Shabbat meal and I would prefer to just stay home and read a book. Extroverts don't understand us, and we often don't understand ourselves, forcing unnatural behavior in order to "fit".

I embrace my "Innie" self and understand much more why I need my lone safe space to recharge and face the world. This is why I was sure from the very beginning that I was not looking for roommates anymore, Years of that was enough. Now my apartment, where I can relax, put on sweats and take off my bra, is my haven and safety cocoon. I put a lot of energy to make it beautiful, cozy and "mine". I love my privacy and understand that it doesn't mean I am cold or unfriendly.

It takes time to get to know oneself, and especially to not feel guilty about who we are.

I don't know how the poor people do it.

I live pretty thrifty and generally don't have any problem with not being able to afford much. I am saving, I don't eat out, I wear eBay and goodwill finds. I go for a couple months staying away from any temptations (like eBay), not feeling deprived or anything of that kind. Recently, thanks to a forgotten return, I suddenly had a comfortable cushion of a few hundred dollars on my account. Normally I live juggling between savings and checking accounts, visiting my bank site pretty often, scared of an overdraft. Most of the months I am ending just above zero or have to get something from savings to safe myself from overdraft penalty.
Suddenly I could do shopping without trying to remember how much exactly I had left, I knew that buying a $30 of grocery wouldn't be a risk. I couldn't help it and went on eBay, bought a few clothing items, shoes, posters for classroom and home, some tchatchkes for home and considered much more with the wonderful thought that I could afford them if I only wanted them. It was nice to go to Marshall's and buy $13 shower curtain because it was pretty, without constant thinking that maybe I shouldn't, that it's too expensive. It felt so... normal. I actually thought "so that's what wealthier people shop like". I still felt guilt, I still felt I should rather put it all away into savings... but it felt so good... Now I will have to again tie up the belt as usual, watch the account, be careful and think twice over each item... but it was kind of therapeutic.


And I just wonder how poor people do it. I had a "vacation" from the thrifty routine (even if still thrifty, as I don't buy in regular stores), a fresh breath before jumping back under water. And I don't have to choose between better food or new jacket for a kid. I have nice clothes (even if second-handed), I can afford medicine, therapy and visits to specialists. I have a health care, good job, computer and tv set. I have a nice, spacious apartment with all needed furniture and appliances. I don't have a car, but it's fine, I walk a lot and use a bus.

I don't need much, I don't obsess or run around full of envy. I have wishes and dreams (travels!), but am not bitter for not being able to fulfill them now. But I just wish I could relax when buying simple things, everyday necessities, second-hand clothes or old decorative stuff. The chronic stress is very tiring. 

change

I love "before and after"s. Whatever their subject - revamped side table, magazine's style remake or comparison between celebrities' recent and childhood photos. There is something fascinating about them. Change happens all the time around us, but very rarely we are able to notice it clearly. We are part of it, and seeing it's second-by-second progress we can hardly even realize something is going on. It is only when we put together the "before and after" that we can see more clearly. Change in itself is an interesting idea, just the fact that it can, and constantly does, happen. I don't like big changes personally. I know they are necessary and sometimes surprise... but I do enjoy the comfort of routine and the known. If I have to choose between unknown new and known old, I often take the latter. Change is risky. Everyone has different levels of comfort in relation to changes. Each of us has a line, on which the natural vibrant unknown dances between excitement and anxiety.
It might be that because my work (teaching) brings constant surprise,  and my plans often need rearranging  and I am often forced to respond on the spot to unknown challenges, that I need a strong, calm and predictable private life. My home is my haven, my relaxing zone. Here I can hide and reload before I have to meet the world outside. I am so happy I didn't have to move this summer (for the first time in a number of years).

But I realize how much I change. With each therapy session, each article and book read, each good discussion with a student or a friend. I love seeing photos of my decorating process and how my boring, squarish rental became vibrant, colorful and "mine".
oh, I wish I could easier open to the changes and challenges that I face around me.

ok... I guess I should stop pretending they don't exist... :-/

art by: Hyperbole and a Half

me now, reflecting on the day off work tomorrow

[illustration provided by art by the one and only Hyperbole and a Half. ]

the god issue

so right about now Jews around where I live go to synagogues to begin Yom Kippur. it will be my first time when I don't at least partially participate. I should have already turned off the computer and what not.. But I dont' feel like it. And because for the past couple years I've been trying to figure out what I want and what I thought I should be doing. For too long I was forcing myself to fit a form not created for me. I made myself believe it was what I wanted. For years I was convincing myself it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed, it was the fulfilling of my nature. I had doubts... but my deep need of belonging and reconnecting with past and heritage took over. I thought that was the only way to heal thorn roots, to touch the past. I was ignoring or pretended not to hear things that made me cringe, when something inside me was protesting. I was justifying, excusing, quiting down... whatever was needed.

It took me years again to slowly learn what I believe, what is important to me. Scared all the time of what other would say, of the disappointment or hurt feelings. I was so much concerned with others' opinions of myself, that I was ready to continue walking over my own convictions, desires, dreams... I wonder sometimes if I ever got to this point if I didn't come out as lesbian. Because that was really a turning point, beginning of uncovering the layers of lies, masks, half-truths and "shoulds".

But once it started it couldn't be stopped. Arriving to the US gave me an opportunity to be born again, to create myself. I could get lost among crowds of people, I didn't feel as watched.

with time I realized that I didn't really feel any urge to follow the commandments. they lost their value, their purpose. For long time I was just trying to tell myself that I was just not as observant, that maybe I could call myself "conservative" even though it didn't "sit" with me right.

I finally admitted to myself that I don't really believe there is any God, and I don't think I ever did. I tried so hard to believe... I did all the motions, I repeated prayers, I was repeating things to others hoping I guess that if I said it enough times it would become real.

Now I just try to be honest with myself. I am still anxious, I feel kind of guilty that I am not fasting now and don't plan on going to a synagogue (I will fast most of the day tomorrow and will go for the very end though, for the tradition). I don't want to pretend and repeat words that I don't believe in. I need to do it at work sometimes, I don't want to do it in my private life.

I don't know for sure what is or isn't "out there". Hawking is saying that the universe could create itself out of nothing. I don't get it. But then, I don't understand how exactly the anti-anxiety drugs work, and I pop two each day. Just because I don't understand all about the beginnings of the universe or how it is growing, and what it means there is "nothing" where there is no universe, doesn't mean it's not real.

If some kind of superpower does exist though, I don't think it has any influence on the world now. some kind of demiurg who pushed the substance into motion. Or maybe I only hope that this power would have no way to influence the human doing? Because if it did, and the world looks the way it looks, than I don't want to believe in such god.

Sometimes I think the very ancient traditional animist or natural beliefs were/are much more real than all the complex modern religions. It was about respect for the nature, admitting one was a small speck of dust, that there were awesome and beautiful things out there. But at least they weren't murdering each other in the name of the spirits of fertility, didn't feel better than the others because of an access to a special spring, didn't slaughter children because they didn't accept the others' ideas of helpful hunting spirits.

I still love my tradition. it's emphasis on social justice, ethics, morality, learning, philosophy... I dislike a lot of it, all the products of narrow minded, homophobic and misogynist men perpetuating oppression in the name of their understanding of the will of god.

I love the clashes, I love the conflicts and the various shades. I don't want to lose that, but I have to find out my real self, and do what is real to me, honest and true.