the "sweet" part of bitter-sweet

Today was the last day at school. There is still the official graduation and that's it... I must stay that I am still overwhelmed with all the love I continue to be showered with. I have a history of pretty low self-esteem, on which I've been working through therapy for the past two years. It's only this year really when I started to feel more confident in my professional skills, in being a good teacher. But still I wasn't thinking much of myself, and I knew that my way of dealing with students is not the easiest to be much beloved. I am not the fluffy bunny, I never let whine about other teachers and bad mouth them (unless it's a serious sharing during advisory and constructive discussion on dealing with a problem). I am rather coldish, I don't hug, I don't giggle or squee. I dont' share much of my private life, I am sarcastic and quite strict, I think. I do joke a lot, as I have quite a sense of humor... but I have no problem with being deadly serious, kick out a kid for detention or go hard on someone. And still.. the words I've been hearing from my kids over the past few months, and especially the past few days... they melt even my Polish soul. Some kids would come and hang out in my room for no reason, as if unable to leave and go home... One kids said she was not looking forward to the end of the year, because I wouldn't be there the next one... Even the "cool and tough" kids came to me to share more feelings that they ever did before... I got beautiful, funny or heart breaking words written in my year book autographs booklet. I know I will be coming back to it often, to keep me going, whenever I would feel down or losing my faith in my teaching skills.
I have made custom cards for some of my kids. Snapfish is really cool for that. I chose some quotes on one side, my own photo on front and back, and wrote a personal note to each of the students. I chose to do that for my advanced classes, as I have been with them longer and have had absolutely blast of a year... I also gave each to my freshmen advisees. I seriously care for each and every one of them, even if each of them was at least once a royal pain in the butt :) One kid, who has pathological approach to writing anything, wrote a whole paragraph for me... I still need to decipher parts of his handwriting, but just the length of it made me fly to the sky.

It's really difficult to leave, but if I weren't, would I even found out how much I am liked? I think it's the first time that I feel it, from so many people... colleagues, kids, parents. I try to treasure the moments, store them and learn to believe in myself more.

the thing about insecurity

Yesterday I've been the second time to the local bi/gay women support group. I think it's a great thing for me and I really need it. I am proud that I made this step as it's a tremendous anxiety causing event. But I went, I talked, I listened, I felt I belonged. I am coming back in two weeks.
Each time I've heard something on what kind of qualities the women liked or disliked I automatically heard this voice in my head "oh-oh... that's me! oh no!". One of the women said how insecurity is a turn off, that she wants the women to be able to do the first step, speak up, be assertive and even a bit aggressive. And I kind of sunk inside, as I'm nothing of that. I almost wanted to negate all I am just to get her approval. But then I started to think: What is the chance we would ever hook up? Yes, she is damn cute, but she is a totally different personality, too confident, to much oxygen-consuming type to my liking. Why do I have to always look for approval? This is hard. I am really proud that I was able to speak up for the introverted types, that it's not so easy to just speak up to people, go out, hang out, do the small talk. I was actually pretty open, which I think is good for me.

But all of that got me also a bit sad, because in a way it just proved to me how difficult it is, for a lesbian, to get with someone. I guess shy guys might feel similar. Among heteros there is accepted patriarchal push for men to be the ones to start, and for women to be shy and playing cold. I hate this, but in a way it's useful. I am working on my shyness, but still it's dreadful to even imagine myself approaching someone I find attractive and chat. It's a nightmare to do it with someone I don't care about romantically, how much more with a potential love object? I am too much in my head, it's difficult.

I try not to be too tough on myself, I know I've made a great progress dealing with my anxiety and insecurities. but there is still so much to do...

living with anxiety

I have a serious anxiety disorder. And even if I meet with a therapist every week, and take various medications, I still struggle. It really doesn't help I am also introvert, shy, have low self-esteem and some light social phobias. I function best left to myself. I love being able to live on my own, with no roommates. My home is my haven, my asylum from the constant attack of people. I work at school, so I have to cope with noise, kids, interruption, misbehavior, occasional strangers, public announcements and similar stressors. I am able to do it, and most people are surprised when they find out I am nervous in interaction with people. I am able to put on a good act, I am doing whatever I have to do... but the price is high. I need time to reload. Hours of solitude, doing nothing or doing something - as long as I can be by myself. Whenever there is a particularly difficult day, I am physically drained, exhausted and unable to do anything productive.
It is also not easy during the waiting time for something big... I can't stop the constant attack of thoughts, images, scenarios of the upcoming event. No matter what I am trying to do, I worry constantly.
Even when the event is quite harmless... like a friend staying over. It's an invasion of my safe haven. She was supposed to come yesterday evening after a party she wanted to attend. The whole Friday and Saturday I was nervous. Cleaning, moving things, all the time nervously going through scenarios and automatically assuming the need to explain myself for various things. Suddenly the one thing that is the symbol of safety and calmness - my home, became the source of stress and attack on my low self-esteem. I felt defensive, I was expecting ridicule and harsh judgement about my decor choices, mess, or unfinished projects. Especially that this friend has sometimes a tendency to "fix" things. Small things... without asking taking off stickers from second-hand books. Cleaning candle holder from artistically and beautifully melted wax (I stopped her in time), putting things away where she thinks they should be... and generally feeling too at home in my own place. I feel attacked, and really uncomfortable.

In the end she didn't come, didn't feel well enough to go to the party. I can't even describe the relief... I am glad I put away some stuff and straightened up the apt a bit, as it's been waiting for it for a long time. But it also made me realize how stressed I was.

And I thought I would be able to get off the meds soon. I realized that some year ago I felt every day the way I felt over the two days.

making friends

I am an Innie. It's not easy to make friends for people like me. I am anxious in social situations, it takes me ages to get to used to someone's presence, not to even mention some kind of intimate relationship. In addition to being an Innie, I also have some social phobias and anxiety which really don't help. The only way I feel comfortable getting to know someone is kind of by accident. As a side effect or unexpected consequence. Like when in school and realizing after couple months that there is one or two people I really enjoy, and somehow we are friends without thinking about it. Setting me up terrifies me, no matter how good someone's intentions. Social gatherings exhaust me and hardly ever lead to anything significant (unless repeated multiple times in a natural way).

So now, I think I am getting a friend. Slowly. There is this guy who is an intern, who was present in some of my classes... I kept forgetting his name which was embarrassing (twice I didn't introduce him by name to my class b/c I forgot it) and I still don't remember his family name. Our first conversations were awkward and stressful (to me), it was more about what I thought I should have been saying, than any natural creation. But slowly we started to joke here and there, we realized we have some similar hobbies. We started to comment on FB, and somehow a thought came to me: "I think it would be nice to hang out with him, even outside of work".

I like it that way. Slowly, naturally, no pushing, no expectations. If we don't like each other enough to be friends, we simply remain in our work-roles. All this process (that took over two months I think), reminded me how typically difficult my social relations are. I guess I should be glad I am an Innie, it must be a hell for anxious Extrovert with social phobias...

A while ago I was teaching my kids on the meaning of our sages' saying "find yourself a teacher, acquire for yourself a friend". And I guess I was right, we are "acquiring" friends, not just "finding" them. It's a hard work, full of tension, possible pitfalls and risks. Once in a while worth engaging in.

Hello, My Name Is Autsajder, And I'm an Innie.

"Innie" as in "Introvert". I've known that for years, but am reminded of the fact over and over. Last weekend I went for a retreat for my Educators Program alumni. It was really great to meet old friends and teachers. It was also really draining to mingle with so many strangers and semi-strangers. I haven't had the time to relax, chill out by myself, think and do nothing. Every meal with people, enforced conversations, chatting, ice-breakers and sharing. The whole week was really difficult not being able to refresh and recharge my batteries. Facing parent-teacher conference and Open House was triple whammy. Finally this weekend I can indulge in long sleep (almost 11h!), reading, lazy coffee drinking, thinking... Just my way to deal with the overstimulating outside.

I have found an amazing book by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, The Introvert Advantage. How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. I am half in, and I already learned a lot about myself. A lot of my behaviors and reactions I didn't even connect with being an introvert, I thought they existed independently. I am also shy and have anxiety issues, which seems to be more common among us, the Innies.

It is difficult not to feel guilty for refusing to go somewhere. I feel bad when someone invites me for a Shabbat meal and I would prefer to just stay home and read a book. Extroverts don't understand us, and we often don't understand ourselves, forcing unnatural behavior in order to "fit".

I embrace my "Innie" self and understand much more why I need my lone safe space to recharge and face the world. This is why I was sure from the very beginning that I was not looking for roommates anymore, Years of that was enough. Now my apartment, where I can relax, put on sweats and take off my bra, is my haven and safety cocoon. I put a lot of energy to make it beautiful, cozy and "mine". I love my privacy and understand that it doesn't mean I am cold or unfriendly.

It takes time to get to know oneself, and especially to not feel guilty about who we are.