This is why I want less and less to do with organized religion. Or maybe with evil people dressed in a religion's cloak

After watching this short video I am just astonished with this young man, that he is still alive, and, I hope, in good health. What he had to go through in the name of religion, in the name of hatred, bigotry and false sense of righteousness is aggrevating. And where is law? How come no one reacted when a child was abused in such terrible way? Multiple times "fell of the stairs" and no one at the hospital informed the police or child services? A child kicked out from home and the parents are not forced to take care of him? Isn't there a requirement on parents to provide basic protection till the child is 18? All of it is so sickening... What mother will say to a gay child "change and I will love you again"???

I wish this boy all good, I hoped he found a place among some good, loving people, who respect and accept him just the way he is.

oh, that kind of lube... still funny :P

via Shakesville:

"The study of the Bible has many rewards. I'm not sure that God intended a lube discount to be among its many riches."—Dallas attorney Andy Siegel, who nonetheless notes that Plano, Texas business owner Charlie Whittington's offer of discounted oil changes in exchange for customers quoting a Bible verse, is legal.

Yom Kippur

Tonight starts Yom Kippur and it feels really strange here, where I am now. It is the first time I am so isolated from any kind of Jewish community (other than over the internet). It is hard to remember, it is hard to make it different and meaningful... And it creates a lot of questions for myself: do I even care enough anymore?

Over the past few years I have been changing in my attitude toward religion in general and my own Jewish practice in particular. Coming out as lesbian opened doors to every kind of self-reflection. I was tired of lies, tired of living the way I thought I should have, instead of the way I believed was *my* way. I started to question everything, my motivations, my needs, my beliefs... Religion and devotion didn't stand a chance. I have had very old and strong roots in atheism and very rational, cold approach to religion. For years I tried to suffocate them as to fit in into what I thought I wanted. I really tried hard to be devoted orthodox Jewess, I took the whole package and didn't know there was another way. Now I am happily Jewish without the spirituality, ritual. I am not afraid to admit I feel disgusted with some aspects of our tradition, the same way I feel proud of other ones. Am I part of the modern "supermarket religion"? I pick and choose... except it's not exactly a religion anymore. Tradition? Belonging? Nationality? I don't know. Nationality probably not, as I don't really feel part of any nation. Maybe ethnicity? I guess that would be the best guess. I am still fascinated by the people being part of this rich tradition. The evolution of ideas, the social changes, the good and the bad. I love the craving for goodness, for social equality, struggles to achieve the most just society possible... they called it God and religion, for me it's more of a study in human nature and human socialization.

So what should I do with this day? Join in fast? I won't pray, as I don't think there is anything that listens. I could turn to the original meaning of the word "pray" in Hebrew, lehitpalel, which means self inspection, self-judgment... This is needed for every one, each person trying to live an honest life. We must check ourselves up once in a while... Not out of fear of punishment, but out of this ancient craving to reach goodness. I try to be an honest person, I am learning about my own prejudices, the stereotypes I still believe deep inside me, I don't trust my judgments and try to analyze them for possible biases. But I also know I don't do enough. Learning about today's Nobel Peace Prize reciepients I feel bad, that I dont' do more. Just understanding problems, thinking and learning about them is not enough, it's not a goal in itself, it's the means to reach something else. I try to do my part by educating others... but is it really enough? I hope I planted seads in my students that will help them question their own privilege, sensitize them to the inequality around them...

It's a new year, new beginning ... That's symbolism which probably speaks to everyone. It is quite fitting that my new company was established around Rosh Hashana. It is a new beginning for me... and I am terrified where it goes. I don't know if it succeeds, if I can support myself not to even mention my mother. I know nothing, I can only hope. But I won't pray, unless I take it with the humanistic approach: as an expression of personal hopes and wishes... If so, then I pray that my modest actions will join others in creating more equal, just and accepting world around us, one day at a time, one mind at a time.

I've got the power!

According to the lady I spoke with briefly while waiting for a bus, I caused the tornadoes in Oklahoma. How? Somehow it was clear to her, that tornadoes are direct sign of God being angry with what humans are doing down here.  The one thing she called out that humans are doing wrong? Men are marrying men, women are marrying women. Not criminals, drug users, wife beaters... no, it's the gays who have the nerve to live happily in monogamous relationships.

I didn't response to her. Should I have done something? I don't know. Maybe it was cowardice, maybe the dislike for confrontation and causing troubles. I was stunned, I was hurt, but even more I was shocked with her logic. I just can't understand how people can believe in such a low, bitter, vengeful god. God, who is fine with killing innocent people in Oklahoma (or Japan) because there are two gays living happily in NY? I understand that belief doesn't have to be rational... But does it have to go so completely against logic, ethics or common sense? Why would anyone want to belief in such a god?

Food for atheist thought

I wish I had that strength and that much of confidence as he has. His words are powerful, his intelligence and thought really inspiring.
I do like my tradition, civilization, culture... but if I had to choose between a world which would be devoid of any religion, and so having no culture with religious origin and enjoying my heritage with complex and great traditions, I am choosing the first option any time. There are great benefits, especially in arts and elements of culture and philosophy... but the negative outcomes overweight the good things.

I've always been interested in the idea of religion, various ways of building up the belief system, rituals, philosophy, complicated esoteric systems. But it is absolutely disgusting what humans are ready to do in the name of it.







I have just read this post and because it does relate that what I mentioned here, although with a particular focus, I post the link to it.
I agree that Jews and Christians who don't take at least partial guilt for the horrible epidemic of gay suicides, live in denial. How dare their preach that gays are beast and sinners, and then go on and say they have nothing to do with it? Judeo-Christianity is the base of this society. And the extreme gay hating that's done by evangelicals and other fundamentalist, as well as many moderates, is the smoking gun.

the god issue

so right about now Jews around where I live go to synagogues to begin Yom Kippur. it will be my first time when I don't at least partially participate. I should have already turned off the computer and what not.. But I dont' feel like it. And because for the past couple years I've been trying to figure out what I want and what I thought I should be doing. For too long I was forcing myself to fit a form not created for me. I made myself believe it was what I wanted. For years I was convincing myself it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed, it was the fulfilling of my nature. I had doubts... but my deep need of belonging and reconnecting with past and heritage took over. I thought that was the only way to heal thorn roots, to touch the past. I was ignoring or pretended not to hear things that made me cringe, when something inside me was protesting. I was justifying, excusing, quiting down... whatever was needed.

It took me years again to slowly learn what I believe, what is important to me. Scared all the time of what other would say, of the disappointment or hurt feelings. I was so much concerned with others' opinions of myself, that I was ready to continue walking over my own convictions, desires, dreams... I wonder sometimes if I ever got to this point if I didn't come out as lesbian. Because that was really a turning point, beginning of uncovering the layers of lies, masks, half-truths and "shoulds".

But once it started it couldn't be stopped. Arriving to the US gave me an opportunity to be born again, to create myself. I could get lost among crowds of people, I didn't feel as watched.

with time I realized that I didn't really feel any urge to follow the commandments. they lost their value, their purpose. For long time I was just trying to tell myself that I was just not as observant, that maybe I could call myself "conservative" even though it didn't "sit" with me right.

I finally admitted to myself that I don't really believe there is any God, and I don't think I ever did. I tried so hard to believe... I did all the motions, I repeated prayers, I was repeating things to others hoping I guess that if I said it enough times it would become real.

Now I just try to be honest with myself. I am still anxious, I feel kind of guilty that I am not fasting now and don't plan on going to a synagogue (I will fast most of the day tomorrow and will go for the very end though, for the tradition). I don't want to pretend and repeat words that I don't believe in. I need to do it at work sometimes, I don't want to do it in my private life.

I don't know for sure what is or isn't "out there". Hawking is saying that the universe could create itself out of nothing. I don't get it. But then, I don't understand how exactly the anti-anxiety drugs work, and I pop two each day. Just because I don't understand all about the beginnings of the universe or how it is growing, and what it means there is "nothing" where there is no universe, doesn't mean it's not real.

If some kind of superpower does exist though, I don't think it has any influence on the world now. some kind of demiurg who pushed the substance into motion. Or maybe I only hope that this power would have no way to influence the human doing? Because if it did, and the world looks the way it looks, than I don't want to believe in such god.

Sometimes I think the very ancient traditional animist or natural beliefs were/are much more real than all the complex modern religions. It was about respect for the nature, admitting one was a small speck of dust, that there were awesome and beautiful things out there. But at least they weren't murdering each other in the name of the spirits of fertility, didn't feel better than the others because of an access to a special spring, didn't slaughter children because they didn't accept the others' ideas of helpful hunting spirits.

I still love my tradition. it's emphasis on social justice, ethics, morality, learning, philosophy... I dislike a lot of it, all the products of narrow minded, homophobic and misogynist men perpetuating oppression in the name of their understanding of the will of god.

I love the clashes, I love the conflicts and the various shades. I don't want to lose that, but I have to find out my real self, and do what is real to me, honest and true.