I have a serious anxiety disorder. And even if I meet with a therapist every week, and take various medications, I still struggle. It really doesn't help I am also introvert, shy, have low self-esteem and some light social phobias. I function best left to myself. I love being able to live on my own, with no roommates. My home is my haven, my asylum from the constant attack of people. I work at school, so I have to cope with noise, kids, interruption, misbehavior, occasional strangers, public announcements and similar stressors. I am able to do it, and most people are surprised when they find out I am nervous in interaction with people. I am able to put on a good act, I am doing whatever I have to do... but the price is high. I need time to reload. Hours of solitude, doing nothing or doing something - as long as I can be by myself. Whenever there is a particularly difficult day, I am physically drained, exhausted and unable to do anything productive.
It is also not easy during the waiting time for something big... I can't stop the constant attack of thoughts, images, scenarios of the upcoming event. No matter what I am trying to do, I worry constantly.
Even when the event is quite harmless... like a friend staying over. It's an invasion of my safe haven. She was supposed to come yesterday evening after a party she wanted to attend. The whole Friday and Saturday I was nervous. Cleaning, moving things, all the time nervously going through scenarios and automatically assuming the need to explain myself for various things. Suddenly the one thing that is the symbol of safety and calmness - my home, became the source of stress and attack on my low self-esteem. I felt defensive, I was expecting ridicule and harsh judgement about my decor choices, mess, or unfinished projects. Especially that this friend has sometimes a tendency to "fix" things. Small things... without asking taking off stickers from second-hand books. Cleaning candle holder from artistically and beautifully melted wax (I stopped her in time), putting things away where she thinks they should be... and generally feeling too at home in my own place. I feel attacked, and really uncomfortable.
In the end she didn't come, didn't feel well enough to go to the party. I can't even describe the relief... I am glad I put away some stuff and straightened up the apt a bit, as it's been waiting for it for a long time. But it also made me realize how stressed I was.
And I thought I would be able to get off the meds soon. I realized that some year ago I felt every day the way I felt over the two days.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
making friends
I am an Innie. It's not easy to make friends for people like me. I am anxious in social situations, it takes me ages to get to used to someone's presence, not to even mention some kind of intimate relationship. In addition to being an Innie, I also have some social phobias and anxiety which really don't help. The only way I feel comfortable getting to know someone is kind of by accident. As a side effect or unexpected consequence. Like when in school and realizing after couple months that there is one or two people I really enjoy, and somehow we are friends without thinking about it. Setting me up terrifies me, no matter how good someone's intentions. Social gatherings exhaust me and hardly ever lead to anything significant (unless repeated multiple times in a natural way).
So now, I think I am getting a friend. Slowly. There is this guy who is an intern, who was present in some of my classes... I kept forgetting his name which was embarrassing (twice I didn't introduce him by name to my class b/c I forgot it) and I still don't remember his family name. Our first conversations were awkward and stressful (to me), it was more about what I thought I should have been saying, than any natural creation. But slowly we started to joke here and there, we realized we have some similar hobbies. We started to comment on FB, and somehow a thought came to me: "I think it would be nice to hang out with him, even outside of work".
I like it that way. Slowly, naturally, no pushing, no expectations. If we don't like each other enough to be friends, we simply remain in our work-roles. All this process (that took over two months I think), reminded me how typically difficult my social relations are. I guess I should be glad I am an Innie, it must be a hell for anxious Extrovert with social phobias...
A while ago I was teaching my kids on the meaning of our sages' saying "find yourself a teacher, acquire for yourself a friend". And I guess I was right, we are "acquiring" friends, not just "finding" them. It's a hard work, full of tension, possible pitfalls and risks. Once in a while worth engaging in.
So now, I think I am getting a friend. Slowly. There is this guy who is an intern, who was present in some of my classes... I kept forgetting his name which was embarrassing (twice I didn't introduce him by name to my class b/c I forgot it) and I still don't remember his family name. Our first conversations were awkward and stressful (to me), it was more about what I thought I should have been saying, than any natural creation. But slowly we started to joke here and there, we realized we have some similar hobbies. We started to comment on FB, and somehow a thought came to me: "I think it would be nice to hang out with him, even outside of work".
I like it that way. Slowly, naturally, no pushing, no expectations. If we don't like each other enough to be friends, we simply remain in our work-roles. All this process (that took over two months I think), reminded me how typically difficult my social relations are. I guess I should be glad I am an Innie, it must be a hell for anxious Extrovert with social phobias...
A while ago I was teaching my kids on the meaning of our sages' saying "find yourself a teacher, acquire for yourself a friend". And I guess I was right, we are "acquiring" friends, not just "finding" them. It's a hard work, full of tension, possible pitfalls and risks. Once in a while worth engaging in.
market-driven society
I admit that I can't understand the position that wants to leave everything to the self-regulatory nature of free market. I am pretty good at understanding various points of view, I like speculating on possible reasons and origins of someone's behavior, political views or oppressive tendencies.
And I can't get how anyone can think free market can regulate everything. Including education, racism, health care, culture, equality, workers' rights and so on. How can you privatize charity and support for the weakest in your society? How can you leave it to the market? Market is driven by greed, not compassion, long-term thinking or tolerance. It is about the profit, the higher the better. It's about stepping over others' backs, it's about selfishness and egocentrism. There is no need for reaching out to the weaker, the underprivileged, victimized by racism, inequality and judiciary abuse.
I remember one person telling me that the government has no place in charity, that this should be left to individuals. That when a person gives or receives charity that way the interpersonal relationships strengthen, character gets stronger and so on. But what about the ones who have no family? Who are asocial and burned bridges with their former friends or neighbors? Who came back scarred and traumatized from wars, unable to keep steady work and fit back in the society? Should we just let them die? Punish them for being born in a wrong neighborhood?
When we leave everything to the market humans become just another numbers in accountant's documents. Market doesn't care about investing in souls, spending on dignity or merging social gaps.
Are these people in denial? Do they really believe that in the quest for ever-raising profits people would remember to take care of the old, sick and weak? Or do they just dream to be part of the top 1% and are willing to step on own compassion for the sake of this dream? I can't understand what is wrong with the idea that spreading wealth helps fight inequality and builds stronger societies.
And I could get the rich supporting these policies, but they are the top 1%, even with all the money they wouldn't be able to achieve so much. They have poor masses supporting them. For what? For a dream of becoming one day another abusive rich pig?
And I can't get how anyone can think free market can regulate everything. Including education, racism, health care, culture, equality, workers' rights and so on. How can you privatize charity and support for the weakest in your society? How can you leave it to the market? Market is driven by greed, not compassion, long-term thinking or tolerance. It is about the profit, the higher the better. It's about stepping over others' backs, it's about selfishness and egocentrism. There is no need for reaching out to the weaker, the underprivileged, victimized by racism, inequality and judiciary abuse.
I remember one person telling me that the government has no place in charity, that this should be left to individuals. That when a person gives or receives charity that way the interpersonal relationships strengthen, character gets stronger and so on. But what about the ones who have no family? Who are asocial and burned bridges with their former friends or neighbors? Who came back scarred and traumatized from wars, unable to keep steady work and fit back in the society? Should we just let them die? Punish them for being born in a wrong neighborhood?
When we leave everything to the market humans become just another numbers in accountant's documents. Market doesn't care about investing in souls, spending on dignity or merging social gaps.
Are these people in denial? Do they really believe that in the quest for ever-raising profits people would remember to take care of the old, sick and weak? Or do they just dream to be part of the top 1% and are willing to step on own compassion for the sake of this dream? I can't understand what is wrong with the idea that spreading wealth helps fight inequality and builds stronger societies.
And I could get the rich supporting these policies, but they are the top 1%, even with all the money they wouldn't be able to achieve so much. They have poor masses supporting them. For what? For a dream of becoming one day another abusive rich pig?
BONES
The show, not my own skeleton's.
I fell in love. I started with the books, which are really great mystery. Packed with scientific facts which nourish my nerdy soul, witty humor and very strong, independent heroine. I am reading another one right now, as a matter of fact.
I had no idea it could get better than the books. Not in the detail department or build up of mystery - you can't do it in one episode per crime show. But the character? If it is indeed based on the books' author, Kathy Reichs, I so wanna be her friend. Or bone her (yep, cheap pun) ;-) It's so rare to have such strong, independent female lead role. Who is not only extremely educated, smart and logical, but also atheist, doesn't want children, doesn't watch tv, has questionable social skills (even worse than I), approaches the society with anthropological honesty and fascination. She is passionate, focused, and also beautiful without trying. She thinks plastic surgery is barbarism, admires the way we evolved, treats all religions on the same level (of interesting myths), has no problem with pointing it out to a Catholic partner (who makes fun of voodoo) and so on. I love how she is all in her head, because in a way I feel validated. I am not as smart, and I am not a scientist... But I am all head, thinking constantly and missing a lot of social clues and skills.
In addition to her perfect self, the team is also great. There is a bit of stereotypical nerds with no social skills, but then, it's quite normal to have geniuses who are quite literal, lack social skills or are so much in their heads, they don't get social clues.
So yeah, I am addicted :)
I fell in love. I started with the books, which are really great mystery. Packed with scientific facts which nourish my nerdy soul, witty humor and very strong, independent heroine. I am reading another one right now, as a matter of fact.
I had no idea it could get better than the books. Not in the detail department or build up of mystery - you can't do it in one episode per crime show. But the character? If it is indeed based on the books' author, Kathy Reichs, I so wanna be her friend. Or bone her (yep, cheap pun) ;-) It's so rare to have such strong, independent female lead role. Who is not only extremely educated, smart and logical, but also atheist, doesn't want children, doesn't watch tv, has questionable social skills (even worse than I), approaches the society with anthropological honesty and fascination. She is passionate, focused, and also beautiful without trying. She thinks plastic surgery is barbarism, admires the way we evolved, treats all religions on the same level (of interesting myths), has no problem with pointing it out to a Catholic partner (who makes fun of voodoo) and so on. I love how she is all in her head, because in a way I feel validated. I am not as smart, and I am not a scientist... But I am all head, thinking constantly and missing a lot of social clues and skills.
In addition to her perfect self, the team is also great. There is a bit of stereotypical nerds with no social skills, but then, it's quite normal to have geniuses who are quite literal, lack social skills or are so much in their heads, they don't get social clues.
So yeah, I am addicted :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Dining room inspiration
I feel my dining room is the least "done" from my room. It was the first to reach somewhat of a readiness to be used, but since then it fell behind the others which were revamped and painted. It's kind of blah, boring and dark (it's a North side). I am browsing flickr to check if some inspiration comes... and found almost nothing. So got into some of my decor blogs, having more luck. Here are some finds:
I love this round table. I think in my smallish room it would fit much nicer than the big rectangular I have now. I don't entertain often enough to have such a big table. And I already wonder if I could do it DIY!
from desire to inspire
This one has also a very nice, cozy set:
I love this round table. I think in my smallish room it would fit much nicer than the big rectangular I have now. I don't entertain often enough to have such a big table. And I already wonder if I could do it DIY!
This one has also a very nice, cozy set:
I like how nice, clean and simple this one is, but I am guessing my chairs wouldn't fit and the room is too dark for such a light composition...
This table is gorgeous. and heavy enough to accommodate my heavier-looking chairs.
This would also fit nicely. Good shape, not too big.
This blue table is stunning... It would be perfect.
It's pretty obvious to me that I can't really afford buying new, nice table. So I started to look around for DIY ideas as well... I think I will get a table top somewhere (I saw one on eBay) and make legs from pipes. I wanted to do something industrial for a while anyway.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
growing economic inequality
I've just read a very good article and it got me thinking.
As others, I am mighty worried about the turn of elections. I also can't understand it. I can't get why it is seen as a positive boost to the country's economy when the top percentile gets to be richer and the rest struggle to pay bills. The taxes go lower and lower, and tax cuts for the richest just cause them to stuff their wallets and happily fire workers when used up. The workers salaries hardly changed over the past decades, being below the levels from the '60s. At the same time the salaries of the richest multiplied.
To be honest, I had no idea that the top 1% is when the medium salary is above $368,000 (according to this presentation from Slate). I really thought that to be in the top one percent you have to earn above million $ or something like that... well, that's what the top 0.1% is. I really thought that if you are a successful "small" businessman, lawyer with a partner who's a successful doctor and so on, it will place you in "high middle class", somewhere around top 30% or so... not top 1%.
The huge disparity between the rich and poor is scary. I can't understand how people vote by millions for the rich to get richer instead of helping fellow human to get up on his/her feet and be successful.
Our economy is not stimulated by building one more mansion or one more huge yacht. It's moving thanks to millions who are able to afford going to the movies, restaurants, or for a week of vacation. Who can afford buying grocery, regular clothes and ordinary cars. Who are able to buy new appliances, carpets and books. That's what moves the economy ahead, not the top 0.1% investing in their own riches, not caring at all what is going on with their workers.
I am lucky, I have a job. At least till June. I work like a horse, much more than I should, because these are hard times... As a teacher in a private school I shouldn't be expected to teach 6 classes a day, with no increased salary. But I am still glad I do have a job, where I am respected, appreciated and where I actually like what I am doing. I am by myself, I don't need to worry about my kids, unemployed spouse and bills. I do support my Mom, but as for now I am managing it. And it is truly disturbing that with my teacher salary I am probably somewhere in the top 40%. It really shouldn't be the case.
As others, I am mighty worried about the turn of elections. I also can't understand it. I can't get why it is seen as a positive boost to the country's economy when the top percentile gets to be richer and the rest struggle to pay bills. The taxes go lower and lower, and tax cuts for the richest just cause them to stuff their wallets and happily fire workers when used up. The workers salaries hardly changed over the past decades, being below the levels from the '60s. At the same time the salaries of the richest multiplied.
To be honest, I had no idea that the top 1% is when the medium salary is above $368,000 (according to this presentation from Slate). I really thought that to be in the top one percent you have to earn above million $ or something like that... well, that's what the top 0.1% is. I really thought that if you are a successful "small" businessman, lawyer with a partner who's a successful doctor and so on, it will place you in "high middle class", somewhere around top 30% or so... not top 1%.
The huge disparity between the rich and poor is scary. I can't understand how people vote by millions for the rich to get richer instead of helping fellow human to get up on his/her feet and be successful.
Our economy is not stimulated by building one more mansion or one more huge yacht. It's moving thanks to millions who are able to afford going to the movies, restaurants, or for a week of vacation. Who can afford buying grocery, regular clothes and ordinary cars. Who are able to buy new appliances, carpets and books. That's what moves the economy ahead, not the top 0.1% investing in their own riches, not caring at all what is going on with their workers.
I am lucky, I have a job. At least till June. I work like a horse, much more than I should, because these are hard times... As a teacher in a private school I shouldn't be expected to teach 6 classes a day, with no increased salary. But I am still glad I do have a job, where I am respected, appreciated and where I actually like what I am doing. I am by myself, I don't need to worry about my kids, unemployed spouse and bills. I do support my Mom, but as for now I am managing it. And it is truly disturbing that with my teacher salary I am probably somewhere in the top 40%. It really shouldn't be the case.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Hello, My Name Is Autsajder, And I'm an Innie.
"Innie" as in "Introvert". I've known that for years, but am reminded of the fact over and over. Last weekend I went for a retreat for my Educators Program alumni. It was really great to meet old friends and teachers. It was also really draining to mingle with so many strangers and semi-strangers. I haven't had the time to relax, chill out by myself, think and do nothing. Every meal with people, enforced conversations, chatting, ice-breakers and sharing. The whole week was really difficult not being able to refresh and recharge my batteries. Facing parent-teacher conference and Open House was triple whammy. Finally this weekend I can indulge in long sleep (almost 11h!), reading, lazy coffee drinking, thinking... Just my way to deal with the overstimulating outside.
I have found an amazing book by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, The Introvert Advantage. How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. I am half in, and I already learned a lot about myself. A lot of my behaviors and reactions I didn't even connect with being an introvert, I thought they existed independently. I am also shy and have anxiety issues, which seems to be more common among us, the Innies.
It is difficult not to feel guilty for refusing to go somewhere. I feel bad when someone invites me for a Shabbat meal and I would prefer to just stay home and read a book. Extroverts don't understand us, and we often don't understand ourselves, forcing unnatural behavior in order to "fit".
I embrace my "Innie" self and understand much more why I need my lone safe space to recharge and face the world. This is why I was sure from the very beginning that I was not looking for roommates anymore, Years of that was enough. Now my apartment, where I can relax, put on sweats and take off my bra, is my haven and safety cocoon. I put a lot of energy to make it beautiful, cozy and "mine". I love my privacy and understand that it doesn't mean I am cold or unfriendly.
It takes time to get to know oneself, and especially to not feel guilty about who we are.
I have found an amazing book by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D, The Introvert Advantage. How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. I am half in, and I already learned a lot about myself. A lot of my behaviors and reactions I didn't even connect with being an introvert, I thought they existed independently. I am also shy and have anxiety issues, which seems to be more common among us, the Innies.
It is difficult not to feel guilty for refusing to go somewhere. I feel bad when someone invites me for a Shabbat meal and I would prefer to just stay home and read a book. Extroverts don't understand us, and we often don't understand ourselves, forcing unnatural behavior in order to "fit".
I embrace my "Innie" self and understand much more why I need my lone safe space to recharge and face the world. This is why I was sure from the very beginning that I was not looking for roommates anymore, Years of that was enough. Now my apartment, where I can relax, put on sweats and take off my bra, is my haven and safety cocoon. I put a lot of energy to make it beautiful, cozy and "mine". I love my privacy and understand that it doesn't mean I am cold or unfriendly.
It takes time to get to know oneself, and especially to not feel guilty about who we are.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Andrea Gibson, the prophetess.
I have no idea how it is even possible that I have never heard about her before. I found a link to her performance in one of the new blogs I added recently to my reader... something intrigued me in the description. An hour later, with heart pounding and eyes tearing, I am in love. I haven't heard such power, emotion and passion expressed so beautifully and powerfully. I think ever. This is beyond words, I am overwhelmed. And I will find a way to include her poems in my teaching. If her words don't touch someone's heart, I am not sure there ever was one.
I tried to choose one video to post here.. but I am unable. I found her website, facebook, I downloaded some free mp3 from it. I feel hungry for her.
It's quite interesting that in my studies of prophets and prophetic writing, one of the common characteristic is extreme sensitivity to the world's injustice. A prophet was someone who lacked the ability to get used to seeing oppressed, greedy officials and poor widows. Someone who was not afraid to speak his/her mind, even if it was dangerous. A hero fighting with words, passion and tears. Fighting against hope, not giving up, mad with passion for justice.
Andrea Gibson fits this description perfectly.
oh, and she's fraking beautiful.
I tried to choose one video to post here.. but I am unable. I found her website, facebook, I downloaded some free mp3 from it. I feel hungry for her.
It's quite interesting that in my studies of prophets and prophetic writing, one of the common characteristic is extreme sensitivity to the world's injustice. A prophet was someone who lacked the ability to get used to seeing oppressed, greedy officials and poor widows. Someone who was not afraid to speak his/her mind, even if it was dangerous. A hero fighting with words, passion and tears. Fighting against hope, not giving up, mad with passion for justice.
Andrea Gibson fits this description perfectly.
oh, and she's fraking beautiful.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I don't know how the poor people do it.
Suddenly I could do shopping without trying to remember how much exactly I had left, I knew that buying a $30 of grocery wouldn't be a risk. I couldn't help it and went on eBay, bought a few clothing items, shoes, posters for classroom and home, some tchatchkes for home and considered much more with the wonderful thought that I could afford them if I only wanted them. It was nice to go to Marshall's and buy $13 shower curtain because it was pretty, without constant thinking that maybe I shouldn't, that it's too expensive. It felt so... normal. I actually thought "so that's what wealthier people shop like". I still felt guilt, I still felt I should rather put it all away into savings... but it felt so good... Now I will have to again tie up the belt as usual, watch the account, be careful and think twice over each item... but it was kind of therapeutic.
And I just wonder how poor people do it. I had a "vacation" from the thrifty routine (even if still thrifty, as I don't buy in regular stores), a fresh breath before jumping back under water. And I don't have to choose between better food or new jacket for a kid. I have nice clothes (even if second-handed), I can afford medicine, therapy and visits to specialists. I have a health care, good job, computer and tv set. I have a nice, spacious apartment with all needed furniture and appliances. I don't have a car, but it's fine, I walk a lot and use a bus.
I don't need much, I don't obsess or run around full of envy. I have wishes and dreams (travels!), but am not bitter for not being able to fulfill them now. But I just wish I could relax when buying simple things, everyday necessities, second-hand clothes or old decorative stuff. The chronic stress is very tiring.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
trivializing the symbols of hatred
In preparation for a class I wanted to find a photo of crowds cheering for Hitler. I teach Holocaust, and at the moment we learn about Hitler rise to power. I googled: "crowds welcoming Hitler". Every other photo was with President Obama. What the fuck, people?! This is offensive on so many levels... I am not even talking about the obvious ignorance of people posting it, but the lack of any understanding, any comprehension of what it actually means to compare anyone to Hitler... this is simply beyond me. It's not only offensive to Obama, as it would be to any normal person, but it is to the 11 mln victims of sick, perverted racist hatred spilled by Hitler all over Europe. It might be that I am extra sensitive, being Jewish and from Poland. There, Hitler is still subject of jokes (as himself), but is never used as a serious attack on anyone, I can't remember anyone ever being likened to him as a way to criticize or express one's dislike of opponent's policies.
The word "Nazi" is never used in a silly way, but the word is still heavy and smells of blood, even a few generations later. I cringe every time I see "grammar Nazi" and similar creations. Or see icon with Hitler and his troops for "admin/moderator". Most Nazis were walking, breathing killing machines, throwing infants out of windows, cutting women's bellies open, burning people alive or shooting dead innocent crowds humiliating and robbing them first. All of them preached extermination, death, supremacy of one kind of a human over another. These words should be remembered for what they stand for, with their real meaning.
The same goes for "Holocaust". This name is reserved for a particular even in History. There is no "animal holocaust" nor "zombie holocaust". There even is no "Armenian Holocaust", but Armenian Genocide. There are "massacres", "mass killings", "destruction", "annihilation" and other terms that could be used, depending on a context.
I have nothing against using Hitler in historical or political comparisons. Using facts, real numbers and events. Real words, speeches and policies. Studied them first in depth and not based on half-truths, stereotypes and myths. Hitler is not a symbol one can stretch to one hateful heart's desire. He was a real person, living in real historical context.
The word "Nazi" is never used in a silly way, but the word is still heavy and smells of blood, even a few generations later. I cringe every time I see "grammar Nazi" and similar creations. Or see icon with Hitler and his troops for "admin/moderator". Most Nazis were walking, breathing killing machines, throwing infants out of windows, cutting women's bellies open, burning people alive or shooting dead innocent crowds humiliating and robbing them first. All of them preached extermination, death, supremacy of one kind of a human over another. These words should be remembered for what they stand for, with their real meaning.
The same goes for "Holocaust". This name is reserved for a particular even in History. There is no "animal holocaust" nor "zombie holocaust". There even is no "Armenian Holocaust", but Armenian Genocide. There are "massacres", "mass killings", "destruction", "annihilation" and other terms that could be used, depending on a context.
I have nothing against using Hitler in historical or political comparisons. Using facts, real numbers and events. Real words, speeches and policies. Studied them first in depth and not based on half-truths, stereotypes and myths. Hitler is not a symbol one can stretch to one hateful heart's desire. He was a real person, living in real historical context.
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