Over the weekend I got horrible news: one of my former students was in a very serious accident. He was riding his bike on a dedicated bicycle path, wearing a helmet, when he was run over by a 83-year old turning right without looking. He is in a critical condition, and we still have no idea if he can make it.
I've expressed many times my fear of old drivers. I'm a pedestrian, so it's not difficult for me to stop when needed. Multiple times I had to do it, because an older person driving a car didn't notice me.
I know it's a touchy subject... I understand how difficult it must be to admit one is too old to drive. It takes away personal dignity, self-reliance, freedom. But we need to face the facts: as we age we lose reflexes and our field of vision narrows, not to mention the weakening of the sight and hearing.
We are talking about lives in danger. There are many older people around where I live, with a few retirement houses in my neighborhood. Their tenants as drivers are subject of many jokes... but now there is no joking time when I actually know the victim. He is a young man, absolutely brilliant, bordering on genius in the field of math and science. To think that this brain is unresponsive...
I don't think a full prohibition is needed. But I would love if there was a requirement of tests in order to renew a licence by an elderly person. Let's say once in three years after 65year old (I know that 95% will pass without any problems, but we can catch the few who age faster), and yearly after 70.
Seniors can use public transport, they have good price on the tickets. Because of the new laws there could be more lines opened close to retirement houses.
We are pretty strict against DUI... in a way driving while very old is a similar danger.
Of course I didn't mention the need for more safe bicycle lines, as that's obvious.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
the privilege of following your dreams
After I got the camera with one basic lens, I have been spending a lot of time learning about other lenses and their prices. I can't afford any of it now, I hope I will be able to save for a macro in a few months.
I felt a bit of self-pithy for my poor self, that I had to wait so long before buying a decent camera, even though I love photography and have been told to produce quite good photos.
But then... I do have the camera. And before I could play with a pretty good point and shoot. It's hard, I can't get the high-shelf or multiple lenses... But I have it.
I can only imagine how many people in this country (so OMG developed and rich) can't follow their dreams, passions and talents because of their financial situation. There are no photography classes in public schools where kids could borrow a camera to learn. Free art classes with supplies provided. Free sculpture or lithography classes. Free dance classes of many kinds. My mom dropped out of Academy of Arts because she could not afford the supplies (the school was in Poland, for free, but the supplies not provided). My father dropped out from full-time chemistry studies, because of financial situation. He had to go full time work, and was studying weekends for more profitable industry - mining.
It pains me that access to art and self-expression is still a form of privilege. As if the poor had no passions, dreams, talents and visions. We, as a society, assume they are born to work physically, know their place and keep their heads down. We assume the poor cannot be sophisticated, sensitive, visionary, genius, fascinating human beings. The poor are not allowed to worry about arts or higher thinking. That's luxury. They are not supposed to want to live in a nice places, to have access to beauty in many forms. They are forced to live in ugly housings, ugly and dirty neighborhoods, grey and sad schools.
So I will keep on enjoying my new camera, rejoicing with the chance I have to live my passion. And remember how privileged I am to have it.
I felt a bit of self-pithy for my poor self, that I had to wait so long before buying a decent camera, even though I love photography and have been told to produce quite good photos.
But then... I do have the camera. And before I could play with a pretty good point and shoot. It's hard, I can't get the high-shelf or multiple lenses... But I have it.
I can only imagine how many people in this country (so OMG developed and rich) can't follow their dreams, passions and talents because of their financial situation. There are no photography classes in public schools where kids could borrow a camera to learn. Free art classes with supplies provided. Free sculpture or lithography classes. Free dance classes of many kinds. My mom dropped out of Academy of Arts because she could not afford the supplies (the school was in Poland, for free, but the supplies not provided). My father dropped out from full-time chemistry studies, because of financial situation. He had to go full time work, and was studying weekends for more profitable industry - mining.
It pains me that access to art and self-expression is still a form of privilege. As if the poor had no passions, dreams, talents and visions. We, as a society, assume they are born to work physically, know their place and keep their heads down. We assume the poor cannot be sophisticated, sensitive, visionary, genius, fascinating human beings. The poor are not allowed to worry about arts or higher thinking. That's luxury. They are not supposed to want to live in a nice places, to have access to beauty in many forms. They are forced to live in ugly housings, ugly and dirty neighborhoods, grey and sad schools.
So I will keep on enjoying my new camera, rejoicing with the chance I have to live my passion. And remember how privileged I am to have it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
new camera
I love photography. I love looking through the view finder, the sounds, the images... I love the emotional security that hiding behind a camera offers. I love the passive capturing of reality. I love how an image stays frozen, holding to time and space long gone.
I have a dream that one day I will be able to support myself through photography... I don't find it realistic, but it would be so wonderful.
Last week, after a few years of trying, I got myself my first digital SLR. As usual I feel guilty, as there is so much other things I should rather be saving for... But it was from the tax return, so it was a bit as if I simply never got the money.
I got a canon rebel T2i. For the time being I can afford only one lens, I already want one more macro and one telephoto for better candids.
It's been just a few days and I've taken already a few hundreds photos. The love came back. like a strong wave in my veins. The excitement, the anxiety to catch the flying away moments. The anxiety over my subjects not noticing me taking the photos. Playing with colors, monochromatic images and various options. It was weird that no one was paying attention to me, I felt that I must have been radiating, shining from inside.
I have a dream that one day I will be able to support myself through photography... I don't find it realistic, but it would be so wonderful.
Last week, after a few years of trying, I got myself my first digital SLR. As usual I feel guilty, as there is so much other things I should rather be saving for... But it was from the tax return, so it was a bit as if I simply never got the money.
I got a canon rebel T2i. For the time being I can afford only one lens, I already want one more macro and one telephoto for better candids.
It's been just a few days and I've taken already a few hundreds photos. The love came back. like a strong wave in my veins. The excitement, the anxiety to catch the flying away moments. The anxiety over my subjects not noticing me taking the photos. Playing with colors, monochromatic images and various options. It was weird that no one was paying attention to me, I felt that I must have been radiating, shining from inside.
the thing about insecurity
Yesterday I've been the second time to the local bi/gay women support group. I think it's a great thing for me and I really need it. I am proud that I made this step as it's a tremendous anxiety causing event. But I went, I talked, I listened, I felt I belonged. I am coming back in two weeks.
Each time I've heard something on what kind of qualities the women liked or disliked I automatically heard this voice in my head "oh-oh... that's me! oh no!". One of the women said how insecurity is a turn off, that she wants the women to be able to do the first step, speak up, be assertive and even a bit aggressive. And I kind of sunk inside, as I'm nothing of that. I almost wanted to negate all I am just to get her approval. But then I started to think: What is the chance we would ever hook up? Yes, she is damn cute, but she is a totally different personality, too confident, to much oxygen-consuming type to my liking. Why do I have to always look for approval? This is hard. I am really proud that I was able to speak up for the introverted types, that it's not so easy to just speak up to people, go out, hang out, do the small talk. I was actually pretty open, which I think is good for me.
But all of that got me also a bit sad, because in a way it just proved to me how difficult it is, for a lesbian, to get with someone. I guess shy guys might feel similar. Among heteros there is accepted patriarchal push for men to be the ones to start, and for women to be shy and playing cold. I hate this, but in a way it's useful. I am working on my shyness, but still it's dreadful to even imagine myself approaching someone I find attractive and chat. It's a nightmare to do it with someone I don't care about romantically, how much more with a potential love object? I am too much in my head, it's difficult.
I try not to be too tough on myself, I know I've made a great progress dealing with my anxiety and insecurities. but there is still so much to do...
Each time I've heard something on what kind of qualities the women liked or disliked I automatically heard this voice in my head "oh-oh... that's me! oh no!". One of the women said how insecurity is a turn off, that she wants the women to be able to do the first step, speak up, be assertive and even a bit aggressive. And I kind of sunk inside, as I'm nothing of that. I almost wanted to negate all I am just to get her approval. But then I started to think: What is the chance we would ever hook up? Yes, she is damn cute, but she is a totally different personality, too confident, to much oxygen-consuming type to my liking. Why do I have to always look for approval? This is hard. I am really proud that I was able to speak up for the introverted types, that it's not so easy to just speak up to people, go out, hang out, do the small talk. I was actually pretty open, which I think is good for me.
But all of that got me also a bit sad, because in a way it just proved to me how difficult it is, for a lesbian, to get with someone. I guess shy guys might feel similar. Among heteros there is accepted patriarchal push for men to be the ones to start, and for women to be shy and playing cold. I hate this, but in a way it's useful. I am working on my shyness, but still it's dreadful to even imagine myself approaching someone I find attractive and chat. It's a nightmare to do it with someone I don't care about romantically, how much more with a potential love object? I am too much in my head, it's difficult.
I try not to be too tough on myself, I know I've made a great progress dealing with my anxiety and insecurities. but there is still so much to do...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Race, prejudice and crime
After a great discussion today in my class on stereotypes, prejudice and racism, I have decided to bring next week materials about racial profiling, inadequate racial arrests, court injustice and so on, as most of my students couldn't believe there is something wrong with the justice system. They indeed believed that there are more Blacks in jails, because Blacks commit more crime.
Well, work to do!
I will post here whatever useful links I find, to have them in one place.
I will post here whatever useful links I find, to have them in one place.
NYPD - Frisking 88% Black and Latino males
Drug sentencing reform
Frisking - video and article
Interview (video) with Michelle Alexander on racist disproportional arrests for drugs
Disparities between marijuana usage and arrests between white and black youth
Racist bias among police
More NYPD racist frisking policy
Sunday, January 2, 2011
What would YOU do to get a job?
I've read yesterday a short article on a sensational DailyMail, linked from HP. Interesting discussion followed. I observed a few different tendencies among the commenters. Some were simply disgusted with the picture of round worms. Some made fun of the stupid Chinese who would eat anything, others made fun of the stupid women who do such things... Some discussed the deeper problems - the unrealistic burden of fitting a particular (thin) expectation and more and more difficult job market, where the employers might pick and choose, forcing people to do very questionable things simply because they have no real choice.
We know already that fat women are paid less, hired less and generally considered lazy, stupid, unskilled, with will power or self-control. The women are already burdened with unrealistic expectations just to be accepted as attractive females, no job interviews in sight yet. Twelve year old girls on diets... what is more disgusting? This or swallowing round warms? It's a difficult choice to make.
I spent couple hours yesterday researching and googling for images to use in my "Body and Sexuality" class. We have been already discussing a bit the problems of assuming overweight people are that way because of not taking care of their health or overeating. I want to discuss more with them on the societies imagery and the extreme pressure for both men and women to obey the, often unrealistic, expectations.
Below is a sample of vintage ads. It's interesting that it was much harder to find the accurate spot, as both too skinny and fat was forbidden...
Of course it's pretty obvious that for both men and women the only incentive to be "slender" is to be accepted and considered attractive by the opposite sex. What is more annoying in the case of women, that it's assumed it's their fault if they lose the interest of their husbands. Both in the ads about weight loss, various cosmetics and home appliances, it's a woman's job to "keep the husband".
And for the end, a very interesting ad... it looks like China is not that far from the Western Culture after all...
We know already that fat women are paid less, hired less and generally considered lazy, stupid, unskilled, with will power or self-control. The women are already burdened with unrealistic expectations just to be accepted as attractive females, no job interviews in sight yet. Twelve year old girls on diets... what is more disgusting? This or swallowing round warms? It's a difficult choice to make.
I spent couple hours yesterday researching and googling for images to use in my "Body and Sexuality" class. We have been already discussing a bit the problems of assuming overweight people are that way because of not taking care of their health or overeating. I want to discuss more with them on the societies imagery and the extreme pressure for both men and women to obey the, often unrealistic, expectations.
Below is a sample of vintage ads. It's interesting that it was much harder to find the accurate spot, as both too skinny and fat was forbidden...
And for the end, a very interesting ad... it looks like China is not that far from the Western Culture after all...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Google News
Today was the first time I visited Google News. I've never before checked it out, as I thought it was just a typical current news, which I get on other sites. I followed a link about the white-washing Yazoo City's Citizens Council scandal. What I found sucked me in for hours now. It's an amazing archives of mass number of smaller newspapers, some scans are older than 100 years. There are many missing, but it is still awesome. I've read pieces from "The African American" published in the weeks following the bus boycott in the South, offering first-eye witness reality. After checking a few different dates, I moved to others. "Baltimore African American" caught my attention. I was wondering what it would have soon after the assassination of MLK. The articles were great. You could feel the raw emotions, tears and rage. There is no history book that could present it better.
I saved a few articles that especially caught my attention, that I will try and use in some of my classes.
It was also interesting to browse the sides of these newspapers. Advertisements, notices or various slogans. What is interesting, but sadly not very surprising, most of the advertisement that feature humans are of white persons. There was a number of ads for straightening hair and cosmetics, also featuring white women. I guess it was not worth it to appeal to the target group, as they would take it anyway...
I saved a few articles that especially caught my attention, that I will try and use in some of my classes.
It was also interesting to browse the sides of these newspapers. Advertisements, notices or various slogans. What is interesting, but sadly not very surprising, most of the advertisement that feature humans are of white persons. There was a number of ads for straightening hair and cosmetics, also featuring white women. I guess it was not worth it to appeal to the target group, as they would take it anyway...
Monday, December 20, 2010
bloody racists
I have read the article about Mississippi's governor whitewashing history and spreading gospel about racist Citizens Council. You would think they were holding hands with poor black kids when taking them to finally desegregated schools for which they fought so bravely! Is he in such a denial, or simply feels it is not politically beneficial to be openly supportive of a hateful, racist organization? It was mentioned that he remembered participating in an event where Dr. Martin Luther King spoke... among other white and black folks. Suddenly it's all "take back King" for whites, started with Glenn Beck. It's such a perverted, twisted way of racist game, that it's hard to even comment on it. What is going on? Do the Americans really know nothing about their own history? With the accepted changes to history textbooks from Texas board of education, I am not surprised... celebrating the Secession, whitewashing the times of Jim Crow laws, glamorizing the slave oppression times.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. I don't get it. I am able to understand a lot, I know where it comes from... but I am extremely rational, all logic. I can't understand how others can't understand what I know to be obvious and simple truth. Like that humans are all same, and race is a cultural concept. Or that we have a truly awesome history of evolution. That our, Western, culture is just one among others and the only thing we got better at was to oppress and kill off other tradition deemed "primitive". I see ads or tv shows and can't just watch without seeing sexist, racist or fat phobic elements. How can it be that it is not as obvious to others?
I guess the data stating that almost half of the American believe in Creationism explains a lot. It's a sad, sad place sometimes.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. I don't get it. I am able to understand a lot, I know where it comes from... but I am extremely rational, all logic. I can't understand how others can't understand what I know to be obvious and simple truth. Like that humans are all same, and race is a cultural concept. Or that we have a truly awesome history of evolution. That our, Western, culture is just one among others and the only thing we got better at was to oppress and kill off other tradition deemed "primitive". I see ads or tv shows and can't just watch without seeing sexist, racist or fat phobic elements. How can it be that it is not as obvious to others?
I guess the data stating that almost half of the American believe in Creationism explains a lot. It's a sad, sad place sometimes.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
living with anxiety
I have a serious anxiety disorder. And even if I meet with a therapist every week, and take various medications, I still struggle. It really doesn't help I am also introvert, shy, have low self-esteem and some light social phobias. I function best left to myself. I love being able to live on my own, with no roommates. My home is my haven, my asylum from the constant attack of people. I work at school, so I have to cope with noise, kids, interruption, misbehavior, occasional strangers, public announcements and similar stressors. I am able to do it, and most people are surprised when they find out I am nervous in interaction with people. I am able to put on a good act, I am doing whatever I have to do... but the price is high. I need time to reload. Hours of solitude, doing nothing or doing something - as long as I can be by myself. Whenever there is a particularly difficult day, I am physically drained, exhausted and unable to do anything productive.
It is also not easy during the waiting time for something big... I can't stop the constant attack of thoughts, images, scenarios of the upcoming event. No matter what I am trying to do, I worry constantly.
Even when the event is quite harmless... like a friend staying over. It's an invasion of my safe haven. She was supposed to come yesterday evening after a party she wanted to attend. The whole Friday and Saturday I was nervous. Cleaning, moving things, all the time nervously going through scenarios and automatically assuming the need to explain myself for various things. Suddenly the one thing that is the symbol of safety and calmness - my home, became the source of stress and attack on my low self-esteem. I felt defensive, I was expecting ridicule and harsh judgement about my decor choices, mess, or unfinished projects. Especially that this friend has sometimes a tendency to "fix" things. Small things... without asking taking off stickers from second-hand books. Cleaning candle holder from artistically and beautifully melted wax (I stopped her in time), putting things away where she thinks they should be... and generally feeling too at home in my own place. I feel attacked, and really uncomfortable.
In the end she didn't come, didn't feel well enough to go to the party. I can't even describe the relief... I am glad I put away some stuff and straightened up the apt a bit, as it's been waiting for it for a long time. But it also made me realize how stressed I was.
And I thought I would be able to get off the meds soon. I realized that some year ago I felt every day the way I felt over the two days.
It is also not easy during the waiting time for something big... I can't stop the constant attack of thoughts, images, scenarios of the upcoming event. No matter what I am trying to do, I worry constantly.
Even when the event is quite harmless... like a friend staying over. It's an invasion of my safe haven. She was supposed to come yesterday evening after a party she wanted to attend. The whole Friday and Saturday I was nervous. Cleaning, moving things, all the time nervously going through scenarios and automatically assuming the need to explain myself for various things. Suddenly the one thing that is the symbol of safety and calmness - my home, became the source of stress and attack on my low self-esteem. I felt defensive, I was expecting ridicule and harsh judgement about my decor choices, mess, or unfinished projects. Especially that this friend has sometimes a tendency to "fix" things. Small things... without asking taking off stickers from second-hand books. Cleaning candle holder from artistically and beautifully melted wax (I stopped her in time), putting things away where she thinks they should be... and generally feeling too at home in my own place. I feel attacked, and really uncomfortable.
In the end she didn't come, didn't feel well enough to go to the party. I can't even describe the relief... I am glad I put away some stuff and straightened up the apt a bit, as it's been waiting for it for a long time. But it also made me realize how stressed I was.
And I thought I would be able to get off the meds soon. I realized that some year ago I felt every day the way I felt over the two days.
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