Waiting is killing me.

I am supposed to be informed regarding my possible position in Tulsa by tomorrow. It's been really hard to be patient... I have involved so much thinking, hopes, time and energy into this, that I am afraid the possible disappointment would be a blow. It's hard to do anything else, all I do is just a waiting filler, my mind completely preoccupied. They had one more person to be interviewed this weekend, so it is between him and me. I know I shouldn't have put so much energy into this option when I am still not sure about anything... but that's how I work - when an idea pops up in my head, I just dive head in to learn all I an about it, research, dig, gather information. Same about this job - I know more about the rental market there than many pros. I recognize addresses, places ... I've read too many forum entries, opinions, discussions and even local news. It's as if I were already living there...

I try to be calm and patient, but it's so hard!

I've got the power!

According to the lady I spoke with briefly while waiting for a bus, I caused the tornadoes in Oklahoma. How? Somehow it was clear to her, that tornadoes are direct sign of God being angry with what humans are doing down here.  The one thing she called out that humans are doing wrong? Men are marrying men, women are marrying women. Not criminals, drug users, wife beaters... no, it's the gays who have the nerve to live happily in monogamous relationships.

I didn't response to her. Should I have done something? I don't know. Maybe it was cowardice, maybe the dislike for confrontation and causing troubles. I was stunned, I was hurt, but even more I was shocked with her logic. I just can't understand how people can believe in such a low, bitter, vengeful god. God, who is fine with killing innocent people in Oklahoma (or Japan) because there are two gays living happily in NY? I understand that belief doesn't have to be rational... But does it have to go so completely against logic, ethics or common sense? Why would anyone want to belief in such a god?

Oklahoma on my mind...

I've been thinking a lot about Tulsa, as that's one of my job opportunities. I have a skype interview today. I've been checking out apartments, reading forums on crime and zeitgeist of Tulsa, and generally imagining myself living there.
I have this interesting personality trait, that I can easily adapt to whatever place I might be living. I take it as it is, and go with it. I focus on the good, and accept it as the reality without much negativity. I discovered it a while ago, and I think that's what helped me survive living in such wide variety of places.

I found that Tulsa has a low crime, living close to the center would be just slightly more expensive than what I have now, the people are extremely nice and polite. As much as there isn't extreme high "culture" activity, there seems to be a lot of nice places to go, hang out (cafes! real ones!), walk around... Cherry Str. seems to be a nice place to live close to.

Of course I could be living a tad farther away in VERY affordable apartments, but then I would have to have a car. I also am dreaming about finally living in a place that I can easily walk to get a nice cup of coffee, find a bookstore, be close to a park or just interesting places to walk around.

There are also other, very important, positives about having a job in a place like Tulsa: the people would really wanted me there. I would feel needed, I would feel I can make a difference. And that's beautiful. I still hope for Gann Academy in Boston, as that's a serious step up in teaching reputation... But there is so many people who also would love to live in Boston, and I am not sure that what I have to offer would be cherished and appreciated as much as in a smaller community.

work ethic and personal integrity

It's been hard to master enthusiasm at work, now that I know I am not coming back. But I notice surprisingly low amount of anger and no desire to get revenge. I am looking forward, considering various options of future employment. But I have a colleague in the same situation as mine and I am more and more disappointed with his reaction. He is full of anger, and tries to get me into this spin as well. He does not only joke, but openly says (even to students!) that he's done with teaching for this year. How can he say that? That kind of attitude is robbing off my employer and my students. I am paid for the job I am doing now, and I working because that's what I was hired to do, not because I hope for the employment next year. It's harder now, and I may joke about "what will they do, fire me?", but it's just joking with me. I still take my work very seriously. The students especially did not deserve getting crappy education because of my private issues.

I have noticed some angry reactions from some of the students. Two of them had similar kind of comments - why the school can't fire the "bad teachers". As much as I may have some personal thoughts as to who should go and who should stay and there is some bitterness on my tongue... (I am not a saint!) I try and keep it to myself. I was very clear to the kids, that there are no "bad teachers" in the school. It was nice to hear they express their affection to me, but that's not the way I want it, I don't want to hear I am "better" than my colleague from a fifteen-year old. They can't appreciate the depth of his knowledge, the traditional upbringing he got and the seriousness of his commitment to his traditions. They like me, b/c I am more "cool". But teaching is not a popularity contest.

On Sunday I have my first interview - over the skype. I am nervous but also confident enough. I more and more feel confident about finding something, now the question is, how good and where...

...

I talked yesterday with my brother over the gchat. Very short, just to find out he's looking for a job same as I do. Toward the end he mentioned my nephew's first birthday coming... I haven't seen him yet. That's sad enough, especially that I don't know if I will be able to go and visit Poland this summer. All's in the air.

But what saddened me more, is that at the end he causally mentioned, that if I wanted to send a package for the little one, clothing would be best b/c American cotton is better.
I felt angry and sad, that I can't afford it. And even more that he thinks I am so rich I can just like that send packages. I probably could buy a few pieces of clothing, I know how to find them cheaply but in good quality... but the cost of international mail is prohibitive. I can't afford paying around $70 for just the postage. I don't know how to break it to him. I wish I could just send stuff... but that's not that bad, I can deal with that. But the fact that he just assumes I can send stuff, even though I just told him I won't have a job next year... it's just disturbing to me. It's sad. They think America is some kind of paradise. eich...

visiting old corners

I am not really sure why, but I decided to go back to an old forum I used to be very active in. It's a Polish-Jewish discussion place. I started there over ten years ago, and became good friends with a few people there. One of them is still my best friend. There is some nostalgia in me going back .. I have no idea what I want to accomplish or get.

I knew that getting on a thread on homosexuality in the Torah would be a bad idea. But I had no idea how bad... The comments on how someone is "disgusted" with homosexuals, how they should be banned from adoptions, comparing to pedophilia (yep)... all was there. Even the old argument of "the heterosexuals don't show off with their orientation, why the gays have to". Idiocy. I don't know what I wanted to achieve discussing someone's very strict answer on absolute prohibition of homosexuality in the Torah... nothing works. I was basically told to choose another religion if I don't like that Judaism prohibits it. Progressive Jews were made fun of, and suggested they are not real Jews.

What a catastrophe. I know I am not going back to Poland, for many reasons. But one of the main ones is, that I refuse to live in the closet. I lived enough years with a mask on, lying to myself, others, pretending and trying to fit in. I want to be open at work, to family and friends. I don't want anyone judging my potential ability to be a mother based on whom I love.

To be clear - there were some voices trying to stand for gays... but even these brought an argument, that if they gays could choose they would prefer being straight (as part of an argument that it's not gays' fault, it's biological).

So sad. I guess that's similar to some more right-wing/evangelical places here. Maybe it's good, so I can stop having silly ideas of finding job in Omaha or Louisiana.

All this negativity of the past days, job search, fear, stress, headaches and anxiety get to me. I was really down today, even the kids were noticing. It's hard to keep up.

the most recent idea: get to graduate program with scholarship or something, to keep visa. I have good friends helping me, it's really great.

the so called pro-life folks.

I've just read this article on ThinkProgress. It discusses another campaign directed at the made up "Black genocide" that is supposed to be happening at the moment through abortions. One of the billboards is this:

Just recently I was thinking something very slightly similar. How many talents are wasted, how many Einsteins never discovered, how many talents never get explored. But not because of abortion, but rather what happens with the poor and unwanted that are being born and no one cares after. I wish the "pro-life" people focused more on helping the ones who are around us already, instead of just on fetuses. Some how the "fetus in danger" becomes totally uninteresting another black mouth in line to food stamps, together with his/her mother the butt of racist jokes and continues to live through racist and classist  abuse through legal system. 


This is sick. In what world a cluster of cells has more rights and worth than a human being?

resumes, cover letters...

I have lost my job a week ago. I am past the grieving time (actually it was pretty short) and am in the organizing and looking forward one. I wasn't exactly fired - simply my contract will not be renewed for the next year because of low enrollment. Which is terrifying for me, especially with the severe anxiety issues that I struggle with. But I do have job for now, and money till August. But no savings. I went through the self-whipping phase of "why did I buy this, why not save!", but there is no sense to dwell in it, nothing productive comes from it.
I realized that I have nothing against moving to a different place. Honestly, there is nothing in Baltimore to keep me here, other than a few people I like. I know it's a great chance to find a nice community with more people like me, more cultural opportunities and so on. So what's the anxiety about? It's all about getting there. The process, the job interviews, insecurities, and the worst: moving. I love my apartment, and the fact that I can afford it - unless I move somewhere like Idaho, I won't be able to afford 2bdroom apartment anymore. The perspective of looking for a new one, being scared of commitment to a wrong place or the necessity of having roommates, freaks me out.
For the first phase, I am sending cv's to San Diego, DC and Boston. I think Boston would be the best, but the school has very high standards in Hebrew and I am afraid they might find me not good enough. But I have a very good friend there, and I loved the city when visited. It's also close to Vermont, where I have more great friends. And there is this... atmosphere I miss in Baltimore.

So yeah, a lot of stress mixed with hope and excitement.

Charity

I've just read about a very generous donation from Sandra Bullock to Red Cross, to benefit the Japan relief efforts. I've read also that she contributed to Katrina, 9/11 and Indonesian tsunami catastrophes as well. All the "biggies". I don't want to be cynical, but why I can't hear about such great, big donations made for "Planned Parenthood", educational programs, Heifer, or malaria no more? Why shock causes people to donate? I understand that it is absolutely terrifying that more than hundred thousand of people died within few hours in Japan. But the same number of people die quietly all over the globe from poverty, curable diseases and no access to medical help. There are programs which help the underprivileged to gain education, jobs, become self-reliant, free and strong. This huge $1mln could do so much for empowering programs. It's a piety they are so easily ignored, because the people they help are not in our faces, are ignored by media.

I wish more people would be giving regularly to that kind of organizations.

costumes and masks

Today is Purim, the Jewish holiday of masks, costumes, joy and silliness. In my struggle with unhealthy sensitivity to others' opinions about myself, I've been trying to push myself out there and dress up whenever I can (also for Spirit Week in my school, which will follow), dealing with the constant insecurity and paranoia of others judging me. My low self-esteem mixed with this paranoia, or rather quest for "proving" myself correct in the negative thoughts, has been with me for too long, making it difficult to recognize what is true and what is only a result of my fears and insecurities. I have a constant battle within me between the desire to do something loud for which I would be praised and the scared retreat caused by strong belief that I would never be praised anyway. Two polar opposites... It's either victory or it's the deepest lows of failure. I am working on accepting that being "just ok" or average is not a failure. That I don't have to be the best and far above the "good" to be accepted.

And as silly as it might sound, putting on a costume is a form of a therapy for me. Because of the fear that people might laugh at me, scrutinize my ideas and their application. Yesterday I went out in my self-made costume of Bellatrix LaStrange (it was "heroes and villains" theme), and wasn't trying to look for weird looks or scrutinizing eyes.

Tomorrow I will dress up as well, to work. Same on Tuesday and other days of the week. I will have fun and enjoy it. I will not try to be perfect or the best... But just enjoy it.