and as usual, the feminists are responsible for everything.

I watched a morning talk show today, which by the way is really surprising to myself. The topic of their casual talk was why women like "bad boys". There was a psychologist, a writer and some other random people talking. One of the argued causes of this kind of behavior was lack of self appreciation and self worth in women. And how can you cure it? By hearing booty calls. I kid you not. One of these women said how great it was when she was in Italy and some guys called her "bella" and how great she felt, and that is needed for women to feel good. But it's impossible because the crazy feminsts cry "sexist!" "abuse!". It was actually a guy who basically said he would not whistle on a woman, and he refused behaving in that way, feeling a bit embarassed, as if he felt guilty for not treating women like a piece of meat!

So basically women to feel good about themselves still need men, and male gaze and sexual interest. I can't get this twisted logic. Having strong self worth is helpful in more situations than just getting into toxic relationships, but seriously, why still this kind of way of building it? And that was from some supposedly educated and sophisticated ladies.

so sad...

Is that a hypocrisy? Or just lack of sensitivity and thinking?

The Voice of Poland is a version of another similar program from the US (it might have a different origin, though). The idea is quite interesting - the judges are choosing singers while sitting with their backs to them, and as such judging their voices only. Great idea, and during a few rounds of the "search" step, there were only great, great vocals. But I had to cringe each time there were comments about the beauty of a singer. Like when someone didn't press the button to choose a particular contestant for his/her team, and after turning and seeing the woman he was complaining loudly what a pity it was because she was so pretty. So many times there were comments about the look, that even the singers tried sometimes to pull the conversation back to their vocal talents. It seems like the program's main idea, turned the attention even more to the looks, as a separate being, acknowledged, shown and flirted with all the time.

I still love the program, and the judges happen to be great musicians. I am looking forward to watching more episodes as teh quality of vocal abilities is amazing. But I hope I won't have to listen to more sexist comments, open flirting (with the contestants visibly uncomfortable at times) and innuendos. There is room for gentle flirting and honest complements about the looks, but without crossing the line.

well, it's been a while...

After a lot of changes, storms, travels and what not, I have decided to get back to my blog.
A short update: I am in Poland, living in my old childhood apartment and trying to find my way around here.

As of yesterday I am running my own, one-person company. I am scared, there is no way around it. I caught a basic English classes job, but very limited and more than part-time. My own company, I hope, will be the thing... I am scared where it goes. I hope to write books, translate them, write educational articles... I want to educate, bring something important, something that will be read. But for now, I am happy to do anything, I need money and I need it now... The shipping costs were more than twice what I thought, and I am running out of savings... But I am trying to be positive. That's all for an update, I hope to keep up with the blog a bit better than in the past :)

ok, scratch that, I am NOT going to Chicago

I don't even want to get into all the bureaucracy and immigration issues, the point is, I am not staying in the US and am going back to Poland. It's been just too much anxiety and stress over the past three months, I need a rest.
The positive side is, I've been showered with love, support and genuine gratitude from everyone around me. I have no idea where my life goes from here, but I am quite positive. I am excited about seeing my family and helping my Mom. Three years is really too long... I am fantasizing about my Mom's apartment and how it needs some serious painting and rehab. I will go and visit my brother and see my nephew for the first time. Go vacationing with my best friend... It's not all that bad, right? I have no idea what the work situation will be like, or  what kind of work I am will be able to find, but again, I am quite positive. It's quite amazing how I've grown in self confidence over the past two-three years and am sure it will be fine. I have some savings, even though not that much and a lot of it will go for shipping books. I am sad to leave some awesome stuff behind, on the other hand it's quite cathartic to just get read of all the ballast, and build myself again from scratch. The only things that I want to keep are the best of clothing, electronics and books. Only a few items from the artsy side - ceramic from Israel, old masks found on eBay, a few souvenirs with strong emotional connection. The rest? all going away. Sometimes I feel that other people are more sad about my apartment than I am. I loved working on it, the paint, the murals, the art... But it's not for ever. The process brought as much enjoyment and pleasure as living in it. It wouldn't be as much fun if someone else had done it for me. I still can carry this enjoyment with me. And do something new for other people. Maybe will attack my brother's white walls :D
Maybe it was just the time to move on to the next great adventure (just not that one).

no homo

I wasn't really familiar with this term at all. I don't listen to rap, hip-hop and don't watch tv... I am not familiar with slang, so really had no chance to know how widely it is spread. Recently I had a chance to see parodies and stand-ups making fun of them, and it really bothers me. It is scary a person can't express any kind of feelings, admiration, art-relating comment, anything non gender-profiled without adding "no homo", I am terrified of the message it sends out. I can't imagine to be a gay kid with people using this around you, your friends, your music idols, and so on.


Based on the idea of the author of this blog: I am not racist, but..., whose idea was simple and brilliant - search among the public facebook status entries for this and similar variations of the phrase. It's quite depressing to read it, but also eye opening.
I did something similar, using the phrase "no homo". Here are examples of what I found:

[Ryan]: Dude I wish I could sing like Michael Buble haha (no homo) 

[Juancho]: My neck is super sore(No homo)        (- that one only tells what kind of vigilant mind people have... b/c what's wrong with having a sore neck? in his mind must be "homo" red flag...) 

[Sydney]: Melanie fixed my phone again!!!! She got it where I can touch it now!!!!! I luvvers u melanie!!!! :) (no homo) haa lol :) 

[Jonathan]: Best Moments Of AI .... Missed this guy so much...was such a beast in basketball (no homo) 

[Kristen]: hacked by Mellbobb:) hahaha I love you Cruton (no homo) ahahahahahahaha...ha.........rubber duckies 

[Mike]: Thanks to the family who ALWAYS has my back, Thanks to the friends who commute 2 hours both ways because I'm feeling down, Thanks to my girl who always tells me things will be OK, And thanks to everyone who loves, and accepts me for me. It's hard to be negative with so many positives in my life... LOVE YOU ALL (No homo).   (- this guy already mentioned his got his "girl", but still has to add "no homo". what's wrong with expressing love and gratitude to family and friends?) 

[Anthony]:I LOVEE YOU FACEBOOK....(NO HOMO)     (- does it mean Facebook is a ... man? or is that some random dude's nickname?)   

[Angelo]: Drew I miss The days going to buffalo wild wings to watch the pens play and me wearing that caps shit... Fun times miss u bro and love u (no homo)

[Siyabonga]: i love yall 2 bits .nyt nd sweet dreams .p.s if u a dude no homo! 

 [Coleen]: Im in love with Amy Lee!! (No homo) ♥

[Mario]: I use music to express how im feeling (no homo) 

[Ian]: I have the best friends in the world. They gave me a surprise birthday party, a house full of balloons, a red, white, and blue cake covered in little babies, a video game, pistachios, and some "juice". I love them. No homo. 

[Wayne]: The sweet things i say are because i'm a sweet person.. No homo.

[Valery]: Shout out to CapriSun Pouches...you're never too old for CapriSun..and you can't be too gangsta for CapriSun..its like blowing bubbles..idc how gangsta you are..bubble blowing will always be exciting..oh..no homo 

[Michael]: Yo its always one bird dude its 7 of us me and my friends rite 6 of us talking about buying a whole lot of liquor and meat(no homo) for a bbq y the 7th friend said he got da frank buns. Smfh    (- I don't know what's on this guy's mind, but it looks like "buying meat" = "mad buttsex" in his world... ) 

[Daysha]: Inbox me colors and i will tell yhu how i feel bout ,yhu no homo:

I am going to Chicago

I got the job. I am relieved, even if I don't really fell it... I am still anxious and stressed as obviously it's not finished. Now it's about papers and visa, then moving, finding an apt and so on... But, I got the job! I feel like it will be a good thing for me, change, more social options, more life... I think I need to come out of my shell more, and living without a car in this village made it really difficult. I want to go out sometimes, but the logistics make it prohibitive. I will live in the city! Not downtown, obviously, but nowhere near the suburban desert I live in now. There will be cafes, shops, clubs, pubs, artsy stuff, university, cinemas... normal life. I really need it. I wish I could skip the legal/immigration paper work... it's stressful, expensive and time consuming. At least searching for apt is more fun... in theory. But I have no idea how I can choose anything from here... I don't know if I would be as lucky as with the apt in my complex, I don't want to be hoaxed or end up with a year-long lease for a dirty hole with cockroaches. In photos you can make any place look decent. I will check the apartments ratings, maybe that will narrow down the best in my budget. I will have to only sized down, but also pay slightly more than I am paying now, with the salary almost same as now (just a bit less). I could theoretically find an apt or studio for less than now, but even in the photos it was obvious they were bad quality. I want the best quality for what I can afford. I prefer to save the $100 on other things and add it to the rent. This time it should be easier... I have all the most important furniture, kitchen appliances, dishes and so on. I don't have to spend much on the house anymore. I have to be able to continue supporting my mother, I was hoping to raise the amount  I sent her monthly. Maybe I will be able to get something on a side...

In the meantime, I am trying to catch up on blogs, I found some new ones which were interesting but that's for another entry.

the "sweet" part of bitter-sweet

Today was the last day at school. There is still the official graduation and that's it... I must stay that I am still overwhelmed with all the love I continue to be showered with. I have a history of pretty low self-esteem, on which I've been working through therapy for the past two years. It's only this year really when I started to feel more confident in my professional skills, in being a good teacher. But still I wasn't thinking much of myself, and I knew that my way of dealing with students is not the easiest to be much beloved. I am not the fluffy bunny, I never let whine about other teachers and bad mouth them (unless it's a serious sharing during advisory and constructive discussion on dealing with a problem). I am rather coldish, I don't hug, I don't giggle or squee. I dont' share much of my private life, I am sarcastic and quite strict, I think. I do joke a lot, as I have quite a sense of humor... but I have no problem with being deadly serious, kick out a kid for detention or go hard on someone. And still.. the words I've been hearing from my kids over the past few months, and especially the past few days... they melt even my Polish soul. Some kids would come and hang out in my room for no reason, as if unable to leave and go home... One kids said she was not looking forward to the end of the year, because I wouldn't be there the next one... Even the "cool and tough" kids came to me to share more feelings that they ever did before... I got beautiful, funny or heart breaking words written in my year book autographs booklet. I know I will be coming back to it often, to keep me going, whenever I would feel down or losing my faith in my teaching skills.
I have made custom cards for some of my kids. Snapfish is really cool for that. I chose some quotes on one side, my own photo on front and back, and wrote a personal note to each of the students. I chose to do that for my advanced classes, as I have been with them longer and have had absolutely blast of a year... I also gave each to my freshmen advisees. I seriously care for each and every one of them, even if each of them was at least once a royal pain in the butt :) One kid, who has pathological approach to writing anything, wrote a whole paragraph for me... I still need to decipher parts of his handwriting, but just the length of it made me fly to the sky.

It's really difficult to leave, but if I weren't, would I even found out how much I am liked? I think it's the first time that I feel it, from so many people... colleagues, kids, parents. I try to treasure the moments, store them and learn to believe in myself more.

When I look for job offers, I try to also learn about the place and imagine myself living there. I know that in the end I will probably take the first offer I get, as it's pretty dry... but it's fun to think about it and I think it helps with the anxiety a bit.
I always look for the same things: proximity to the city's center/downtown, craigslist apartment rental prices, walkscore.com to check if I can survive there without a car. I sometimes check the forums on city-data.com, to get a better feel for the place. I feel like I am learning a lot about America in that way!

I thought that I would write down some interesting things I found out.

Atlanta, GA - great gay community (esp. if I scored the job in gay synagogue), good weather for riding a scooter, walkability livable. Good prices for rental.

Bridgeport, CT -  the town itself kind of strange, a lot of areas that are not safe. Very high rental compared to the salaries and general likability of the town. A lot of the apts didn't look great. bad public transport, so a bit difficult with no car.

Spokane, WA - I think best option - it scored "walker's paradise", the apts are cheap, and the salary is higher than I have now. It's probably quite cold and rainy... but not too bad.

Portland, ME - beautiful area, great for hikes. Long winters with so-so public transport. But the city is pretty small and seems like it would be pretty easy to walk to a lot of places. Rentals not scary, but nothing special.

Las Vegas, NV - desert, in the middle of nowhere. I like desert, but living there might be tough... good for a scooter though. In NW is actually walkable/reachable, with so-so public transport. But the apts are cheap and beautiful! Some half the price I pay now.

Washington, DC - well, it's DC :), great public transport, no need for a car. Apt prices are ridiculously high, and it might be that I woiuld have to either sell my kidney, rent a closet or live with a roommate to survive.

Bay Area, CA - a few different places really, but similar pros and cons. Beautiful, weather, gays, scooter-weather, but high prices for rentals and very far anywhere outside of the small area where I would live.

San Antonio, TX - hot, Texas, far from everywhere, very difficult to survive without a car. Could use a scooter, but still difficult even though the weather helps. The rentals weren't that bad, but nothing special.

the limbo time of my life

It's been more than a month later, and I still have no job. It is very worrisome. there is only so much time I can wait before I should pack and go back to Poland. This is terrifying, as I have no idea what I would do, and am afraid that a year break would be the kill of my career as an educator in the US. I have to apply for a visa renewal like, now. It's all is really scary and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I upped my meds a bit to get it down a bit.

The best side of it all? The extremely positive feedback I've been getting from my students. It is just so uplifting and warming... I think I've been dealing pretty well with the situation and am a good role model. I try to look at the positives :)

I am really worry about my Mom... I am afraid I won't be able to go and visit my family again this year. It's been three years since I saw any of them... My little nephew is already a year old, and I haven't had a chance to see him yet. It is painful even for me, rather removed and introverted person.

I think I should write here more... I post often links to articles on my FB, but I miss the forum to say more what I think. I gotta spring back up from the dark period I am going through. I've killed half my plants because I simply didn't feel like watering them anymore... I have to throw them away, as now I can see their dried up carcasses around. All the energy I had I seemed to be spending at work to keep up the joyful face and approach my kids with the same energy and attitude as usual. They are not the ones who should be punished for the board's bad politics and decisions.

It's funny that I am not actually scared of the place I will end up in. I am totally fine with almost all the places I could theoretically work. Atlanta, Spokane, Portland (ME), Bridgeport, LA... Each different, but I know I will easily get used to living there. I am pretty easy with that... It's the not knowing that is so nerve-wrecking. I see positive sides of each position, each place... even the return to Poland. But I hate to be in the limbo. The in-between is the most scary to me.

Waiting is killing me.

I am supposed to be informed regarding my possible position in Tulsa by tomorrow. It's been really hard to be patient... I have involved so much thinking, hopes, time and energy into this, that I am afraid the possible disappointment would be a blow. It's hard to do anything else, all I do is just a waiting filler, my mind completely preoccupied. They had one more person to be interviewed this weekend, so it is between him and me. I know I shouldn't have put so much energy into this option when I am still not sure about anything... but that's how I work - when an idea pops up in my head, I just dive head in to learn all I an about it, research, dig, gather information. Same about this job - I know more about the rental market there than many pros. I recognize addresses, places ... I've read too many forum entries, opinions, discussions and even local news. It's as if I were already living there...

I try to be calm and patient, but it's so hard!