work ethic and personal integrity

It's been hard to master enthusiasm at work, now that I know I am not coming back. But I notice surprisingly low amount of anger and no desire to get revenge. I am looking forward, considering various options of future employment. But I have a colleague in the same situation as mine and I am more and more disappointed with his reaction. He is full of anger, and tries to get me into this spin as well. He does not only joke, but openly says (even to students!) that he's done with teaching for this year. How can he say that? That kind of attitude is robbing off my employer and my students. I am paid for the job I am doing now, and I working because that's what I was hired to do, not because I hope for the employment next year. It's harder now, and I may joke about "what will they do, fire me?", but it's just joking with me. I still take my work very seriously. The students especially did not deserve getting crappy education because of my private issues.

I have noticed some angry reactions from some of the students. Two of them had similar kind of comments - why the school can't fire the "bad teachers". As much as I may have some personal thoughts as to who should go and who should stay and there is some bitterness on my tongue... (I am not a saint!) I try and keep it to myself. I was very clear to the kids, that there are no "bad teachers" in the school. It was nice to hear they express their affection to me, but that's not the way I want it, I don't want to hear I am "better" than my colleague from a fifteen-year old. They can't appreciate the depth of his knowledge, the traditional upbringing he got and the seriousness of his commitment to his traditions. They like me, b/c I am more "cool". But teaching is not a popularity contest.

On Sunday I have my first interview - over the skype. I am nervous but also confident enough. I more and more feel confident about finding something, now the question is, how good and where...

...

I talked yesterday with my brother over the gchat. Very short, just to find out he's looking for a job same as I do. Toward the end he mentioned my nephew's first birthday coming... I haven't seen him yet. That's sad enough, especially that I don't know if I will be able to go and visit Poland this summer. All's in the air.

But what saddened me more, is that at the end he causally mentioned, that if I wanted to send a package for the little one, clothing would be best b/c American cotton is better.
I felt angry and sad, that I can't afford it. And even more that he thinks I am so rich I can just like that send packages. I probably could buy a few pieces of clothing, I know how to find them cheaply but in good quality... but the cost of international mail is prohibitive. I can't afford paying around $70 for just the postage. I don't know how to break it to him. I wish I could just send stuff... but that's not that bad, I can deal with that. But the fact that he just assumes I can send stuff, even though I just told him I won't have a job next year... it's just disturbing to me. It's sad. They think America is some kind of paradise. eich...

visiting old corners

I am not really sure why, but I decided to go back to an old forum I used to be very active in. It's a Polish-Jewish discussion place. I started there over ten years ago, and became good friends with a few people there. One of them is still my best friend. There is some nostalgia in me going back .. I have no idea what I want to accomplish or get.

I knew that getting on a thread on homosexuality in the Torah would be a bad idea. But I had no idea how bad... The comments on how someone is "disgusted" with homosexuals, how they should be banned from adoptions, comparing to pedophilia (yep)... all was there. Even the old argument of "the heterosexuals don't show off with their orientation, why the gays have to". Idiocy. I don't know what I wanted to achieve discussing someone's very strict answer on absolute prohibition of homosexuality in the Torah... nothing works. I was basically told to choose another religion if I don't like that Judaism prohibits it. Progressive Jews were made fun of, and suggested they are not real Jews.

What a catastrophe. I know I am not going back to Poland, for many reasons. But one of the main ones is, that I refuse to live in the closet. I lived enough years with a mask on, lying to myself, others, pretending and trying to fit in. I want to be open at work, to family and friends. I don't want anyone judging my potential ability to be a mother based on whom I love.

To be clear - there were some voices trying to stand for gays... but even these brought an argument, that if they gays could choose they would prefer being straight (as part of an argument that it's not gays' fault, it's biological).

So sad. I guess that's similar to some more right-wing/evangelical places here. Maybe it's good, so I can stop having silly ideas of finding job in Omaha or Louisiana.

All this negativity of the past days, job search, fear, stress, headaches and anxiety get to me. I was really down today, even the kids were noticing. It's hard to keep up.

the most recent idea: get to graduate program with scholarship or something, to keep visa. I have good friends helping me, it's really great.

the so called pro-life folks.

I've just read this article on ThinkProgress. It discusses another campaign directed at the made up "Black genocide" that is supposed to be happening at the moment through abortions. One of the billboards is this:

Just recently I was thinking something very slightly similar. How many talents are wasted, how many Einsteins never discovered, how many talents never get explored. But not because of abortion, but rather what happens with the poor and unwanted that are being born and no one cares after. I wish the "pro-life" people focused more on helping the ones who are around us already, instead of just on fetuses. Some how the "fetus in danger" becomes totally uninteresting another black mouth in line to food stamps, together with his/her mother the butt of racist jokes and continues to live through racist and classist  abuse through legal system. 


This is sick. In what world a cluster of cells has more rights and worth than a human being?

resumes, cover letters...

I have lost my job a week ago. I am past the grieving time (actually it was pretty short) and am in the organizing and looking forward one. I wasn't exactly fired - simply my contract will not be renewed for the next year because of low enrollment. Which is terrifying for me, especially with the severe anxiety issues that I struggle with. But I do have job for now, and money till August. But no savings. I went through the self-whipping phase of "why did I buy this, why not save!", but there is no sense to dwell in it, nothing productive comes from it.
I realized that I have nothing against moving to a different place. Honestly, there is nothing in Baltimore to keep me here, other than a few people I like. I know it's a great chance to find a nice community with more people like me, more cultural opportunities and so on. So what's the anxiety about? It's all about getting there. The process, the job interviews, insecurities, and the worst: moving. I love my apartment, and the fact that I can afford it - unless I move somewhere like Idaho, I won't be able to afford 2bdroom apartment anymore. The perspective of looking for a new one, being scared of commitment to a wrong place or the necessity of having roommates, freaks me out.
For the first phase, I am sending cv's to San Diego, DC and Boston. I think Boston would be the best, but the school has very high standards in Hebrew and I am afraid they might find me not good enough. But I have a very good friend there, and I loved the city when visited. It's also close to Vermont, where I have more great friends. And there is this... atmosphere I miss in Baltimore.

So yeah, a lot of stress mixed with hope and excitement.

Charity

I've just read about a very generous donation from Sandra Bullock to Red Cross, to benefit the Japan relief efforts. I've read also that she contributed to Katrina, 9/11 and Indonesian tsunami catastrophes as well. All the "biggies". I don't want to be cynical, but why I can't hear about such great, big donations made for "Planned Parenthood", educational programs, Heifer, or malaria no more? Why shock causes people to donate? I understand that it is absolutely terrifying that more than hundred thousand of people died within few hours in Japan. But the same number of people die quietly all over the globe from poverty, curable diseases and no access to medical help. There are programs which help the underprivileged to gain education, jobs, become self-reliant, free and strong. This huge $1mln could do so much for empowering programs. It's a piety they are so easily ignored, because the people they help are not in our faces, are ignored by media.

I wish more people would be giving regularly to that kind of organizations.

costumes and masks

Today is Purim, the Jewish holiday of masks, costumes, joy and silliness. In my struggle with unhealthy sensitivity to others' opinions about myself, I've been trying to push myself out there and dress up whenever I can (also for Spirit Week in my school, which will follow), dealing with the constant insecurity and paranoia of others judging me. My low self-esteem mixed with this paranoia, or rather quest for "proving" myself correct in the negative thoughts, has been with me for too long, making it difficult to recognize what is true and what is only a result of my fears and insecurities. I have a constant battle within me between the desire to do something loud for which I would be praised and the scared retreat caused by strong belief that I would never be praised anyway. Two polar opposites... It's either victory or it's the deepest lows of failure. I am working on accepting that being "just ok" or average is not a failure. That I don't have to be the best and far above the "good" to be accepted.

And as silly as it might sound, putting on a costume is a form of a therapy for me. Because of the fear that people might laugh at me, scrutinize my ideas and their application. Yesterday I went out in my self-made costume of Bellatrix LaStrange (it was "heroes and villains" theme), and wasn't trying to look for weird looks or scrutinizing eyes.

Tomorrow I will dress up as well, to work. Same on Tuesday and other days of the week. I will have fun and enjoy it. I will not try to be perfect or the best... But just enjoy it.

Kenyan and a Pole, two close cousins.

I am quite fascinated how much I have in common with my new Kenyan friend. So much in our past - personal, national - is very similar! Our experiences here, in the US also match, we complain about the same thing, we praise the same things. To me it's just such a beautiful example how all this "race" thing is artificially created to support divisions, oppression and organized religion.

Looking forward to find even more common ground. As well as the new, unknown and different.

The Elderly and Driving

Over the weekend I got horrible news: one of my former students was in a very serious accident. He was riding his bike on a dedicated bicycle path, wearing a helmet, when he was run over by a 83-year old turning right without looking. He is in a critical condition, and we still have no idea if he can make it.

I've expressed many times my fear of old drivers. I'm a pedestrian, so it's not difficult for me to stop when needed. Multiple times I had to do it, because an older person driving a car didn't notice me.

I know it's a touchy subject... I understand how difficult it must be to admit one is too old to drive. It takes away personal dignity, self-reliance, freedom. But we need to face the facts: as we age we lose reflexes and our field of vision narrows, not to mention the weakening of the sight and hearing.

We are talking about lives in danger. There are many older people around where I live, with a few retirement houses in my neighborhood. Their tenants as drivers are subject of many jokes... but now there is no joking time when I actually know the victim. He is a young man, absolutely brilliant, bordering on genius in the field of math and science. To think that this brain is unresponsive...

I don't think a full prohibition is needed. But I would love if there was a requirement of tests in order to renew a licence by an elderly person. Let's say once in three years after 65year old (I know that 95% will pass without any problems, but we can catch the few who age faster), and yearly after 70.

Seniors can use public transport, they have good price on the tickets. Because of the new laws there could be more lines opened close to retirement houses.
We are pretty strict against DUI... in a way driving while very old is a similar danger.

Of course I didn't mention the need for more safe bicycle lines, as that's obvious.

the privilege of following your dreams

After I got the camera with one basic lens, I have been spending a lot of time learning about other lenses and their prices. I can't afford any of it now, I hope I will be able to save for a macro in a few months.
I felt a bit of self-pithy for my poor self, that I had to wait so long before buying a decent camera, even though I love photography and have been told to produce quite good photos.
But then... I do have the camera. And before I could play with a pretty good point and shoot. It's hard, I can't get the high-shelf or multiple lenses... But I have it.

I can only imagine how many people in this country (so OMG developed and rich) can't follow their dreams, passions and talents because of their financial situation. There are no photography classes in public schools where kids could borrow a camera to learn. Free art classes with supplies provided. Free sculpture or lithography classes. Free dance classes of many kinds. My mom dropped out of Academy of Arts because she could not afford the supplies (the school was in Poland, for free, but the supplies not provided). My father dropped out from full-time chemistry studies, because of financial situation. He had to go full time work, and was studying weekends for more profitable industry - mining.

It pains me that access to art and self-expression is still a form of privilege. As if the poor had no passions, dreams, talents and visions. We, as a society, assume they are born to work physically, know their place and keep their heads down. We assume the poor cannot be sophisticated, sensitive, visionary, genius, fascinating human beings. The poor are not allowed to worry about arts or higher thinking. That's luxury. They are not supposed to want to live in a nice places, to have access to beauty in many forms. They are forced to live in ugly housings, ugly and dirty neighborhoods, grey and sad schools.

So I will keep on enjoying my new camera, rejoicing with the chance I have to live my passion. And remember how privileged I am to have it.