Yesterday I've been the second time to the local bi/gay women support group. I think it's a great thing for me and I really need it. I am proud that I made this step as it's a tremendous anxiety causing event. But I went, I talked, I listened, I felt I belonged. I am coming back in two weeks.
Each time I've heard something on what kind of qualities the women liked or disliked I automatically heard this voice in my head "oh-oh... that's me! oh no!". One of the women said how insecurity is a turn off, that she wants the women to be able to do the first step, speak up, be assertive and even a bit aggressive. And I kind of sunk inside, as I'm nothing of that. I almost wanted to negate all I am just to get her approval. But then I started to think: What is the chance we would ever hook up? Yes, she is damn cute, but she is a totally different personality, too confident, to much oxygen-consuming type to my liking. Why do I have to always look for approval? This is hard. I am really proud that I was able to speak up for the introverted types, that it's not so easy to just speak up to people, go out, hang out, do the small talk. I was actually pretty open, which I think is good for me.
But all of that got me also a bit sad, because in a way it just proved to me how difficult it is, for a lesbian, to get with someone. I guess shy guys might feel similar. Among heteros there is accepted patriarchal push for men to be the ones to start, and for women to be shy and playing cold. I hate this, but in a way it's useful. I am working on my shyness, but still it's dreadful to even imagine myself approaching someone I find attractive and chat. It's a nightmare to do it with someone I don't care about romantically, how much more with a potential love object? I am too much in my head, it's difficult.
I try not to be too tough on myself, I know I've made a great progress dealing with my anxiety and insecurities. but there is still so much to do...