Sunday, March 20, 2011


I've just read about a very generous donation from Sandra Bullock to Red Cross, to benefit the Japan relief efforts. I've read also that she contributed to Katrina, 9/11 and Indonesian tsunami catastrophes as well. All the "biggies". I don't want to be cynical, but why I can't hear about such great, big donations made for "Planned Parenthood", educational programs, Heifer, or malaria no more? Why shock causes people to donate? I understand that it is absolutely terrifying that more than hundred thousand of people died within few hours in Japan. But the same number of people die quietly all over the globe from poverty, curable diseases and no access to medical help. There are programs which help the underprivileged to gain education, jobs, become self-reliant, free and strong. This huge $1mln could do so much for empowering programs. It's a piety they are so easily ignored, because the people they help are not in our faces, are ignored by media.

I wish more people would be giving regularly to that kind of organizations.

costumes and masks

Today is Purim, the Jewish holiday of masks, costumes, joy and silliness. In my struggle with unhealthy sensitivity to others' opinions about myself, I've been trying to push myself out there and dress up whenever I can (also for Spirit Week in my school, which will follow), dealing with the constant insecurity and paranoia of others judging me. My low self-esteem mixed with this paranoia, or rather quest for "proving" myself correct in the negative thoughts, has been with me for too long, making it difficult to recognize what is true and what is only a result of my fears and insecurities. I have a constant battle within me between the desire to do something loud for which I would be praised and the scared retreat caused by strong belief that I would never be praised anyway. Two polar opposites... It's either victory or it's the deepest lows of failure. I am working on accepting that being "just ok" or average is not a failure. That I don't have to be the best and far above the "good" to be accepted.

And as silly as it might sound, putting on a costume is a form of a therapy for me. Because of the fear that people might laugh at me, scrutinize my ideas and their application. Yesterday I went out in my self-made costume of Bellatrix LaStrange (it was "heroes and villains" theme), and wasn't trying to look for weird looks or scrutinizing eyes.

Tomorrow I will dress up as well, to work. Same on Tuesday and other days of the week. I will have fun and enjoy it. I will not try to be perfect or the best... But just enjoy it.