Sunday, March 20, 2011

costumes and masks

Today is Purim, the Jewish holiday of masks, costumes, joy and silliness. In my struggle with unhealthy sensitivity to others' opinions about myself, I've been trying to push myself out there and dress up whenever I can (also for Spirit Week in my school, which will follow), dealing with the constant insecurity and paranoia of others judging me. My low self-esteem mixed with this paranoia, or rather quest for "proving" myself correct in the negative thoughts, has been with me for too long, making it difficult to recognize what is true and what is only a result of my fears and insecurities. I have a constant battle within me between the desire to do something loud for which I would be praised and the scared retreat caused by strong belief that I would never be praised anyway. Two polar opposites... It's either victory or it's the deepest lows of failure. I am working on accepting that being "just ok" or average is not a failure. That I don't have to be the best and far above the "good" to be accepted.

And as silly as it might sound, putting on a costume is a form of a therapy for me. Because of the fear that people might laugh at me, scrutinize my ideas and their application. Yesterday I went out in my self-made costume of Bellatrix LaStrange (it was "heroes and villains" theme), and wasn't trying to look for weird looks or scrutinizing eyes.

Tomorrow I will dress up as well, to work. Same on Tuesday and other days of the week. I will have fun and enjoy it. I will not try to be perfect or the best... But just enjoy it.

No comments:

Post a Comment