Creating an issue

I am proud that our first transgender woman received a ticket to the Polish Parliament. I am not proud of the various reactions to that event. Actually, I am pretty much pissed. I've listened to a radio show, about all the "unnaturals" (there was also a gay activist who got elected) who will be in the parliament, and how God's laws are violated and all the typical BS.
Yesterday my Mom read me something from a right-wing rag, which not just commented on the issue, it was creating new ones. The "news" was about how the female PMs will be embarassed and deeply uncomfortable when they bump into the new PM in the parliament bathrooms, as just not so long time ago, she "used to be a husband and a father". First I thought they were quoting some non tolerant female PM who shared fears, but no, they created their own before the parliament even opened its doors to the new set of PMs. They assumed the women will be uncomfortable and will feel bad, not "might".

I hate when narrow minded people project their own narrow minded fears and spitful prejudices on others, assuming we all share them, just they are "brave" to speak about them.

Ignoring parents' food choices

The other day I was doing some shopping in a big construction store, Home Depot-style. By the cashier I was a witness to a very peculiar and, in my view, very telling situation. There was a couple after me with a baby in a stroller. The cashier asked them "Does your baby eat lollipops already?" After they said that no, (the baby was like 6mo old!) they went on saying how much her older brother loves lollipops, so they took one. What did in this situation rub me the wrong way? There was no question "Would you like a lollipop for your child?", no there was no will of a parent taken into consideration. It was assumed, that the children eat lollipops and only the age of a child was questioned. I am assuming if the child was a toddler the woman would pass on the candy straight into the child's hands, without asking the parents for permission. Parents who do not agree to give children candies, junk food and general sweets are weird, stuck up, full of themselves and generally ridiculous.

In a similar situation was my friend some time ago. She's a mother to a 4 yo and she tries to feed the child in a healthy way. When she was out with him one day, her adult neighbor started to share potato chips with him. My friend politely opposed and asked her neighbor to not give anything to her son. The response? "Oh, come on, don't be ridiculous".

There are many situations of that kind, where parents' food choices are trampled over and seen as overreacting. I've heard many times comments of that kind even when the parents said the child had an allergy. "Just a little bit won't harm anyone". Parents who "deny" children sweets (or snacks) are seen as over-zealous crazies, who should be made fun of. I know that often it's especially difficult when it's the grandparents who can't understand and/or respect their children' choices in raising up grandchildren.

The same friend told me also that once, when she was at a family wedding someone was feeding her son with sugar cubes. o_0. What adult in a more or less sane mind would do such a thing?
Food is a very delicate issue, I know that when I have a baby I will face it as well, as I am a believer in a palo-style of eating, so no sweets or processed foods whatsoever, not even "healthy" snacks, granola bars or juices.

I can't stand how people can't respect parents' well thought-out choices concerning their children. I wish they spend all the energy of sticking their noses where they don't belong into reacting and acting when a child is really in danger, in a toxic environment, being abused and hurt. But no... to this people are blind, but have no issue calling sweets-ban a child-abuse.

Hm... when will they begin asking if he/she kicks?

I am pretty sure we've all seen photos like these, either on some gossip site, on magazine stands or wherever, really:

First of all, I really dislike the term "baby bump", but then, this is another issue. Every time I see or hear this kind of speculations because a woman doesn't have a table flat belly, my blood boils. Because people should learn something about women's biology: only very, very thin women (or serious athletes) have very flat belly. And even in such situation there is a natural round line to the belly's shape. And even then a woman should have the right to breath, release abs muscles or be bloated. And now we can move on to the huge majority of women, when most of them could very well be in at least 3rd month. Heck, if I want I can look 5 month pregnant without bigger problems...

People got used that women have no bellies. We are taught all the time to "suck it in", and if you have some belly around it's commented that this person "looks pregnant". How about... natural?

The sponges that we are

Today I had quite an unusual experience. I had the chance to teach a big group (18-20) group of 4-5 year olds. It's quite a new thing for me and I must admit I was scared like hell. It went pretty ok, the preschool wants me to come back again, so I wasn't too bad. I have the professional experience of teaching teenagers, these tiny little creatures are all new species to me.

This new opportunity sent me for help. I've been researching the internet for songs, activities and general info on how to teach EFL to this age group. One of the most common advice is: songs. Now, I am not a singer, not even in the very amatour understanding... but as my best friend said (a great singer and a mother to a 4yo as well), the kids dont' care and singing is absolutely crucial.

I've realized I know no English children songs. "Old Macdonald's farm" is more or less known, but that's about it... thanks to the internet I have been listening to dozens of traditional nursery and children songs... Many of them I realized I kind of knew or heard somewhere (movies etc.). But funny thing happened... I started to actually listen to the words.
I can't even tell how many of those talk about the very traditional divisions of gender roles, marriage (heterosexual obviously) and social expectations. From the age of an infant we are filled with ready plan for life. We also learn that boys are made of adventure, dirt and snakes and girls of nice things. That it's bad to have fun at school (Mary had a little lamb), that girls want to marry soldiers, and so on.

If we add to it the typical well-wishing aunties asking if we "have a fiance" already before we even reach the first grade, or the typical constant comments on what's proper for a girl or a boy, there is very little surprise in how strong these kind of stereotypes are in each of us. And how much strength it takes to see them... they are invisible for the most part unless you look at them from outside....

a touch of beauty for tonight's evening

An absolute perfection: of voice, esthetics, looks... Adele is so gorgeous and I could listen to her non stop. I don't care if it sounds cheesy, but she does touches some strings inside your heart.

"Boxing for men, robots for boys and Hugh Jackman for women"

Just in case it's not clear, this is a line from a Polish tv ad for a new movie, "Real Steel".

I am not even sure if it requires any comments... too tired to repeat truisms around.

This is such great news. Poland is changing!

Yesterday Poland hold election to the both chambers of Polish Parliament (Sejm and Senat). I am not particularly involved in the political life, especially that I don't really know that much having just returned from the US, but there are some interesting and exciting moments from this day. The first? Right here:

Born as a man, Ms Grodzka, now 57, completed her gender change last year with the help of the Trans-Fuzja organisation focused on gender change.
Topping the Palikot Movement party list in the devoutly Catholic southern city of Krakow - once home to the late Polish-born pope John Paul II - Ms Grodzka was thrilled by Sunday's strong showing at the polls.
"I'm not yet sure if I've been elected, but I'm very happy with the result scored by the Palikot movement," she said at a jubilant election night celebration at Palikot Movement headquarters in Warsaw.
"If I'll be elected in Krakow, I'll be Poland's first transgender woman, and the only transgender MP not only in Poland, but the entire world," she said. "In New Zealand, there was Georgina Beyer, but she is no longer an MP since 2007," Ms Grodzka added.
"Today, Poland is changing. I am the proof along with Robert Biedron, a homosexual and the head of an anti-homophobia campaign who ran for office in Gdynia," a city on Poland's Baltic coast.

Yep. We have a transgender woman and a big out there gay in the Parliament. In the addition to it, a few more unusual and quite out of the mainstream personas... Right in the faces of the tea party mentality PiS and other parties. Finally some anti-clerical, pro social change and openness politicians. We will see how well they do, but I am hopefull :)

This is why I want less and less to do with organized religion. Or maybe with evil people dressed in a religion's cloak

After watching this short video I am just astonished with this young man, that he is still alive, and, I hope, in good health. What he had to go through in the name of religion, in the name of hatred, bigotry and false sense of righteousness is aggrevating. And where is law? How come no one reacted when a child was abused in such terrible way? Multiple times "fell of the stairs" and no one at the hospital informed the police or child services? A child kicked out from home and the parents are not forced to take care of him? Isn't there a requirement on parents to provide basic protection till the child is 18? All of it is so sickening... What mother will say to a gay child "change and I will love you again"???

I wish this boy all good, I hoped he found a place among some good, loving people, who respect and accept him just the way he is.

oh, that kind of lube... still funny :P

via Shakesville:

"The study of the Bible has many rewards. I'm not sure that God intended a lube discount to be among its many riches."—Dallas attorney Andy Siegel, who nonetheless notes that Plano, Texas business owner Charlie Whittington's offer of discounted oil changes in exchange for customers quoting a Bible verse, is legal.

This is NOT what Jewish life is about, even in Poland

I took my Mom to a concert tonight. It was called "Jewish Songs" and somehow I felt obligated to attend, support it... bad idea.

Where to even begin?

If only they just had chosen old, pre-war songs... that would have been sad enough. But no... many of these songs were made recently. A writer creating "klezmer-style" (inspired?) songs as if in the style of the pre-war klezmer writing. I should of course emphasize, that it was what the author thought was in the style of pre-war klezmer writings... The texts by Jacek Cygan (otherwise an ok song writer) were simply stupid. They were infantile, idiotic. It's not just some kind of glamourizing the poor life of pre-war Jewry... it's just so low. It was addressing today's people simplified images about pre-war Jews, filled with Shabes-goys, young maidens "given away" to guys chosen by the family, and other similar.
Should I add that in this mix there was also one "Holocaust" song?
oh, and one of the singer couldn't pronounce "chasiddim" properly and sometimes was singing about "kasiddim". geez...

And of course people loved it... this sentimental love for the memory of murdered Jews, not for the Jews themselves, but for this nostalgia in itself.

There was also so much of a cult (I am not exaggerating) of the "last klezmer of Poland" "maestro" Leopold Kozłowski, that it was almost sickenning. He is indeed the "last klezmer" in terms of the connection with pre-war Poland, as he was born in 1918. But is that such a great complement to be amazing and great if there is no one else to compare to? He is the last, that doesn't mean he's good. There are great, young people who play with the klezmer tradition, mix it with jazz and rock, and are really amazing in it. Why can't they take over and bring some modernity into this swamp? I was so disappointed and depressed. I think I prefer my Judaism on internet than this kind of connection to the Jewish world... I dont' know if there were any other Jewish people present, but I hope not, or at least that wouldn't be their only connection to their Yiddishkeit.

Yom Kippur

Tonight starts Yom Kippur and it feels really strange here, where I am now. It is the first time I am so isolated from any kind of Jewish community (other than over the internet). It is hard to remember, it is hard to make it different and meaningful... And it creates a lot of questions for myself: do I even care enough anymore?

Over the past few years I have been changing in my attitude toward religion in general and my own Jewish practice in particular. Coming out as lesbian opened doors to every kind of self-reflection. I was tired of lies, tired of living the way I thought I should have, instead of the way I believed was *my* way. I started to question everything, my motivations, my needs, my beliefs... Religion and devotion didn't stand a chance. I have had very old and strong roots in atheism and very rational, cold approach to religion. For years I tried to suffocate them as to fit in into what I thought I wanted. I really tried hard to be devoted orthodox Jewess, I took the whole package and didn't know there was another way. Now I am happily Jewish without the spirituality, ritual. I am not afraid to admit I feel disgusted with some aspects of our tradition, the same way I feel proud of other ones. Am I part of the modern "supermarket religion"? I pick and choose... except it's not exactly a religion anymore. Tradition? Belonging? Nationality? I don't know. Nationality probably not, as I don't really feel part of any nation. Maybe ethnicity? I guess that would be the best guess. I am still fascinated by the people being part of this rich tradition. The evolution of ideas, the social changes, the good and the bad. I love the craving for goodness, for social equality, struggles to achieve the most just society possible... they called it God and religion, for me it's more of a study in human nature and human socialization.

So what should I do with this day? Join in fast? I won't pray, as I don't think there is anything that listens. I could turn to the original meaning of the word "pray" in Hebrew, lehitpalel, which means self inspection, self-judgment... This is needed for every one, each person trying to live an honest life. We must check ourselves up once in a while... Not out of fear of punishment, but out of this ancient craving to reach goodness. I try to be an honest person, I am learning about my own prejudices, the stereotypes I still believe deep inside me, I don't trust my judgments and try to analyze them for possible biases. But I also know I don't do enough. Learning about today's Nobel Peace Prize reciepients I feel bad, that I dont' do more. Just understanding problems, thinking and learning about them is not enough, it's not a goal in itself, it's the means to reach something else. I try to do my part by educating others... but is it really enough? I hope I planted seads in my students that will help them question their own privilege, sensitize them to the inequality around them...

It's a new year, new beginning ... That's symbolism which probably speaks to everyone. It is quite fitting that my new company was established around Rosh Hashana. It is a new beginning for me... and I am terrified where it goes. I don't know if it succeeds, if I can support myself not to even mention my mother. I know nothing, I can only hope. But I won't pray, unless I take it with the humanistic approach: as an expression of personal hopes and wishes... If so, then I pray that my modest actions will join others in creating more equal, just and accepting world around us, one day at a time, one mind at a time.

What I have learned from watching Polish commercials

Not that they are that different to the American ones... I simply didn't know much about them, as I hardly ever watched any tv in the US. Now I am watching it a lot, mostly thanks to living with my Mom, who loves it and for whom it's the main (only?) source of entertainment.

I also never believed the world of advertisment to be on the frontier of the fight for gender equality or social education... it is though a nice mirror of the social expectations and the lower common ground with which the producers try to connect.

So...

* Children and men have passions and hobbies, women just love to be with their families
* Mothers are the only ones who care for children's health. If men appear in medicine ads, it's as germs spreaders in need of the motherly care and help, along with their children.
* Beer is a male thing, and manhood is all about strength and machismo
* Poles are very prone to cold and flu, as well as digestive issues. They must be also concerned with thier figures (no surprise here). The cholesterol scare is also quite strong on this side of the pond... Miracle margarines and "healthy and safe" pills. *sigh*
* Polish mothers are supposed to be even more obsessed and terrified about every step of their children. The mass of children-oriented pills, candies and drinks that are supposed to pack the kids with immunity support, vitamins, and what not is quite impressive.
* Either the Poles are obsessed with, or are NOT obsessed enough according to the banks, with credits. The number of high-quality, star-packed, and really well-done ads about different kind of credits or saving options is astounding. The cellphone market must also be not saturated yet, another field with really good ads. This is the field in which I can see serious creativity, sense of humor and probably good money in the ads' production. I love the fashion for local cabaret* stars.
* Different kinds of milk snacks and sweets are more common to see in ads than chips or nachos and similar kind of stuff. And most of the ads seem to be done in Germany or other countries with just Polish dubbing...


* Polish "cabaret" (kabaret) is extremely popular, and it's kind of group stand up comedy.

and as usual, the feminists are responsible for everything.

I watched a morning talk show today, which by the way is really surprising to myself. The topic of their casual talk was why women like "bad boys". There was a psychologist, a writer and some other random people talking. One of the argued causes of this kind of behavior was lack of self appreciation and self worth in women. And how can you cure it? By hearing booty calls. I kid you not. One of these women said how great it was when she was in Italy and some guys called her "bella" and how great she felt, and that is needed for women to feel good. But it's impossible because the crazy feminsts cry "sexist!" "abuse!". It was actually a guy who basically said he would not whistle on a woman, and he refused behaving in that way, feeling a bit embarassed, as if he felt guilty for not treating women like a piece of meat!

So basically women to feel good about themselves still need men, and male gaze and sexual interest. I can't get this twisted logic. Having strong self worth is helpful in more situations than just getting into toxic relationships, but seriously, why still this kind of way of building it? And that was from some supposedly educated and sophisticated ladies.

so sad...

Is that a hypocrisy? Or just lack of sensitivity and thinking?

The Voice of Poland is a version of another similar program from the US (it might have a different origin, though). The idea is quite interesting - the judges are choosing singers while sitting with their backs to them, and as such judging their voices only. Great idea, and during a few rounds of the "search" step, there were only great, great vocals. But I had to cringe each time there were comments about the beauty of a singer. Like when someone didn't press the button to choose a particular contestant for his/her team, and after turning and seeing the woman he was complaining loudly what a pity it was because she was so pretty. So many times there were comments about the look, that even the singers tried sometimes to pull the conversation back to their vocal talents. It seems like the program's main idea, turned the attention even more to the looks, as a separate being, acknowledged, shown and flirted with all the time.

I still love the program, and the judges happen to be great musicians. I am looking forward to watching more episodes as teh quality of vocal abilities is amazing. But I hope I won't have to listen to more sexist comments, open flirting (with the contestants visibly uncomfortable at times) and innuendos. There is room for gentle flirting and honest complements about the looks, but without crossing the line.

well, it's been a while...

After a lot of changes, storms, travels and what not, I have decided to get back to my blog.
A short update: I am in Poland, living in my old childhood apartment and trying to find my way around here.

As of yesterday I am running my own, one-person company. I am scared, there is no way around it. I caught a basic English classes job, but very limited and more than part-time. My own company, I hope, will be the thing... I am scared where it goes. I hope to write books, translate them, write educational articles... I want to educate, bring something important, something that will be read. But for now, I am happy to do anything, I need money and I need it now... The shipping costs were more than twice what I thought, and I am running out of savings... But I am trying to be positive. That's all for an update, I hope to keep up with the blog a bit better than in the past :)

ok, scratch that, I am NOT going to Chicago

I don't even want to get into all the bureaucracy and immigration issues, the point is, I am not staying in the US and am going back to Poland. It's been just too much anxiety and stress over the past three months, I need a rest.
The positive side is, I've been showered with love, support and genuine gratitude from everyone around me. I have no idea where my life goes from here, but I am quite positive. I am excited about seeing my family and helping my Mom. Three years is really too long... I am fantasizing about my Mom's apartment and how it needs some serious painting and rehab. I will go and visit my brother and see my nephew for the first time. Go vacationing with my best friend... It's not all that bad, right? I have no idea what the work situation will be like, or  what kind of work I am will be able to find, but again, I am quite positive. It's quite amazing how I've grown in self confidence over the past two-three years and am sure it will be fine. I have some savings, even though not that much and a lot of it will go for shipping books. I am sad to leave some awesome stuff behind, on the other hand it's quite cathartic to just get read of all the ballast, and build myself again from scratch. The only things that I want to keep are the best of clothing, electronics and books. Only a few items from the artsy side - ceramic from Israel, old masks found on eBay, a few souvenirs with strong emotional connection. The rest? all going away. Sometimes I feel that other people are more sad about my apartment than I am. I loved working on it, the paint, the murals, the art... But it's not for ever. The process brought as much enjoyment and pleasure as living in it. It wouldn't be as much fun if someone else had done it for me. I still can carry this enjoyment with me. And do something new for other people. Maybe will attack my brother's white walls :D
Maybe it was just the time to move on to the next great adventure (just not that one).

no homo

I wasn't really familiar with this term at all. I don't listen to rap, hip-hop and don't watch tv... I am not familiar with slang, so really had no chance to know how widely it is spread. Recently I had a chance to see parodies and stand-ups making fun of them, and it really bothers me. It is scary a person can't express any kind of feelings, admiration, art-relating comment, anything non gender-profiled without adding "no homo", I am terrified of the message it sends out. I can't imagine to be a gay kid with people using this around you, your friends, your music idols, and so on.


Based on the idea of the author of this blog: I am not racist, but..., whose idea was simple and brilliant - search among the public facebook status entries for this and similar variations of the phrase. It's quite depressing to read it, but also eye opening.
I did something similar, using the phrase "no homo". Here are examples of what I found:

[Ryan]: Dude I wish I could sing like Michael Buble haha (no homo) 

[Juancho]: My neck is super sore(No homo)        (- that one only tells what kind of vigilant mind people have... b/c what's wrong with having a sore neck? in his mind must be "homo" red flag...) 

[Sydney]: Melanie fixed my phone again!!!! She got it where I can touch it now!!!!! I luvvers u melanie!!!! :) (no homo) haa lol :) 

[Jonathan]: Best Moments Of AI .... Missed this guy so much...was such a beast in basketball (no homo) 

[Kristen]: hacked by Mellbobb:) hahaha I love you Cruton (no homo) ahahahahahahaha...ha.........rubber duckies 

[Mike]: Thanks to the family who ALWAYS has my back, Thanks to the friends who commute 2 hours both ways because I'm feeling down, Thanks to my girl who always tells me things will be OK, And thanks to everyone who loves, and accepts me for me. It's hard to be negative with so many positives in my life... LOVE YOU ALL (No homo).   (- this guy already mentioned his got his "girl", but still has to add "no homo". what's wrong with expressing love and gratitude to family and friends?) 

[Anthony]:I LOVEE YOU FACEBOOK....(NO HOMO)     (- does it mean Facebook is a ... man? or is that some random dude's nickname?)   

[Angelo]: Drew I miss The days going to buffalo wild wings to watch the pens play and me wearing that caps shit... Fun times miss u bro and love u (no homo)

[Siyabonga]: i love yall 2 bits .nyt nd sweet dreams .p.s if u a dude no homo! 

 [Coleen]: Im in love with Amy Lee!! (No homo) ♥

[Mario]: I use music to express how im feeling (no homo) 

[Ian]: I have the best friends in the world. They gave me a surprise birthday party, a house full of balloons, a red, white, and blue cake covered in little babies, a video game, pistachios, and some "juice". I love them. No homo. 

[Wayne]: The sweet things i say are because i'm a sweet person.. No homo.

[Valery]: Shout out to CapriSun Pouches...you're never too old for CapriSun..and you can't be too gangsta for CapriSun..its like blowing bubbles..idc how gangsta you are..bubble blowing will always be exciting..oh..no homo 

[Michael]: Yo its always one bird dude its 7 of us me and my friends rite 6 of us talking about buying a whole lot of liquor and meat(no homo) for a bbq y the 7th friend said he got da frank buns. Smfh    (- I don't know what's on this guy's mind, but it looks like "buying meat" = "mad buttsex" in his world... ) 

[Daysha]: Inbox me colors and i will tell yhu how i feel bout ,yhu no homo:

I am going to Chicago

I got the job. I am relieved, even if I don't really fell it... I am still anxious and stressed as obviously it's not finished. Now it's about papers and visa, then moving, finding an apt and so on... But, I got the job! I feel like it will be a good thing for me, change, more social options, more life... I think I need to come out of my shell more, and living without a car in this village made it really difficult. I want to go out sometimes, but the logistics make it prohibitive. I will live in the city! Not downtown, obviously, but nowhere near the suburban desert I live in now. There will be cafes, shops, clubs, pubs, artsy stuff, university, cinemas... normal life. I really need it. I wish I could skip the legal/immigration paper work... it's stressful, expensive and time consuming. At least searching for apt is more fun... in theory. But I have no idea how I can choose anything from here... I don't know if I would be as lucky as with the apt in my complex, I don't want to be hoaxed or end up with a year-long lease for a dirty hole with cockroaches. In photos you can make any place look decent. I will check the apartments ratings, maybe that will narrow down the best in my budget. I will have to only sized down, but also pay slightly more than I am paying now, with the salary almost same as now (just a bit less). I could theoretically find an apt or studio for less than now, but even in the photos it was obvious they were bad quality. I want the best quality for what I can afford. I prefer to save the $100 on other things and add it to the rent. This time it should be easier... I have all the most important furniture, kitchen appliances, dishes and so on. I don't have to spend much on the house anymore. I have to be able to continue supporting my mother, I was hoping to raise the amount  I sent her monthly. Maybe I will be able to get something on a side...

In the meantime, I am trying to catch up on blogs, I found some new ones which were interesting but that's for another entry.

the "sweet" part of bitter-sweet

Today was the last day at school. There is still the official graduation and that's it... I must stay that I am still overwhelmed with all the love I continue to be showered with. I have a history of pretty low self-esteem, on which I've been working through therapy for the past two years. It's only this year really when I started to feel more confident in my professional skills, in being a good teacher. But still I wasn't thinking much of myself, and I knew that my way of dealing with students is not the easiest to be much beloved. I am not the fluffy bunny, I never let whine about other teachers and bad mouth them (unless it's a serious sharing during advisory and constructive discussion on dealing with a problem). I am rather coldish, I don't hug, I don't giggle or squee. I dont' share much of my private life, I am sarcastic and quite strict, I think. I do joke a lot, as I have quite a sense of humor... but I have no problem with being deadly serious, kick out a kid for detention or go hard on someone. And still.. the words I've been hearing from my kids over the past few months, and especially the past few days... they melt even my Polish soul. Some kids would come and hang out in my room for no reason, as if unable to leave and go home... One kids said she was not looking forward to the end of the year, because I wouldn't be there the next one... Even the "cool and tough" kids came to me to share more feelings that they ever did before... I got beautiful, funny or heart breaking words written in my year book autographs booklet. I know I will be coming back to it often, to keep me going, whenever I would feel down or losing my faith in my teaching skills.
I have made custom cards for some of my kids. Snapfish is really cool for that. I chose some quotes on one side, my own photo on front and back, and wrote a personal note to each of the students. I chose to do that for my advanced classes, as I have been with them longer and have had absolutely blast of a year... I also gave each to my freshmen advisees. I seriously care for each and every one of them, even if each of them was at least once a royal pain in the butt :) One kid, who has pathological approach to writing anything, wrote a whole paragraph for me... I still need to decipher parts of his handwriting, but just the length of it made me fly to the sky.

It's really difficult to leave, but if I weren't, would I even found out how much I am liked? I think it's the first time that I feel it, from so many people... colleagues, kids, parents. I try to treasure the moments, store them and learn to believe in myself more.

When I look for job offers, I try to also learn about the place and imagine myself living there. I know that in the end I will probably take the first offer I get, as it's pretty dry... but it's fun to think about it and I think it helps with the anxiety a bit.
I always look for the same things: proximity to the city's center/downtown, craigslist apartment rental prices, walkscore.com to check if I can survive there without a car. I sometimes check the forums on city-data.com, to get a better feel for the place. I feel like I am learning a lot about America in that way!

I thought that I would write down some interesting things I found out.

Atlanta, GA - great gay community (esp. if I scored the job in gay synagogue), good weather for riding a scooter, walkability livable. Good prices for rental.

Bridgeport, CT -  the town itself kind of strange, a lot of areas that are not safe. Very high rental compared to the salaries and general likability of the town. A lot of the apts didn't look great. bad public transport, so a bit difficult with no car.

Spokane, WA - I think best option - it scored "walker's paradise", the apts are cheap, and the salary is higher than I have now. It's probably quite cold and rainy... but not too bad.

Portland, ME - beautiful area, great for hikes. Long winters with so-so public transport. But the city is pretty small and seems like it would be pretty easy to walk to a lot of places. Rentals not scary, but nothing special.

Las Vegas, NV - desert, in the middle of nowhere. I like desert, but living there might be tough... good for a scooter though. In NW is actually walkable/reachable, with so-so public transport. But the apts are cheap and beautiful! Some half the price I pay now.

Washington, DC - well, it's DC :), great public transport, no need for a car. Apt prices are ridiculously high, and it might be that I woiuld have to either sell my kidney, rent a closet or live with a roommate to survive.

Bay Area, CA - a few different places really, but similar pros and cons. Beautiful, weather, gays, scooter-weather, but high prices for rentals and very far anywhere outside of the small area where I would live.

San Antonio, TX - hot, Texas, far from everywhere, very difficult to survive without a car. Could use a scooter, but still difficult even though the weather helps. The rentals weren't that bad, but nothing special.