The sponges that we are

Today I had quite an unusual experience. I had the chance to teach a big group (18-20) group of 4-5 year olds. It's quite a new thing for me and I must admit I was scared like hell. It went pretty ok, the preschool wants me to come back again, so I wasn't too bad. I have the professional experience of teaching teenagers, these tiny little creatures are all new species to me.

This new opportunity sent me for help. I've been researching the internet for songs, activities and general info on how to teach EFL to this age group. One of the most common advice is: songs. Now, I am not a singer, not even in the very amatour understanding... but as my best friend said (a great singer and a mother to a 4yo as well), the kids dont' care and singing is absolutely crucial.

I've realized I know no English children songs. "Old Macdonald's farm" is more or less known, but that's about it... thanks to the internet I have been listening to dozens of traditional nursery and children songs... Many of them I realized I kind of knew or heard somewhere (movies etc.). But funny thing happened... I started to actually listen to the words.
I can't even tell how many of those talk about the very traditional divisions of gender roles, marriage (heterosexual obviously) and social expectations. From the age of an infant we are filled with ready plan for life. We also learn that boys are made of adventure, dirt and snakes and girls of nice things. That it's bad to have fun at school (Mary had a little lamb), that girls want to marry soldiers, and so on.

If we add to it the typical well-wishing aunties asking if we "have a fiance" already before we even reach the first grade, or the typical constant comments on what's proper for a girl or a boy, there is very little surprise in how strong these kind of stereotypes are in each of us. And how much strength it takes to see them... they are invisible for the most part unless you look at them from outside....

the "sweet" part of bitter-sweet

Today was the last day at school. There is still the official graduation and that's it... I must stay that I am still overwhelmed with all the love I continue to be showered with. I have a history of pretty low self-esteem, on which I've been working through therapy for the past two years. It's only this year really when I started to feel more confident in my professional skills, in being a good teacher. But still I wasn't thinking much of myself, and I knew that my way of dealing with students is not the easiest to be much beloved. I am not the fluffy bunny, I never let whine about other teachers and bad mouth them (unless it's a serious sharing during advisory and constructive discussion on dealing with a problem). I am rather coldish, I don't hug, I don't giggle or squee. I dont' share much of my private life, I am sarcastic and quite strict, I think. I do joke a lot, as I have quite a sense of humor... but I have no problem with being deadly serious, kick out a kid for detention or go hard on someone. And still.. the words I've been hearing from my kids over the past few months, and especially the past few days... they melt even my Polish soul. Some kids would come and hang out in my room for no reason, as if unable to leave and go home... One kids said she was not looking forward to the end of the year, because I wouldn't be there the next one... Even the "cool and tough" kids came to me to share more feelings that they ever did before... I got beautiful, funny or heart breaking words written in my year book autographs booklet. I know I will be coming back to it often, to keep me going, whenever I would feel down or losing my faith in my teaching skills.
I have made custom cards for some of my kids. Snapfish is really cool for that. I chose some quotes on one side, my own photo on front and back, and wrote a personal note to each of the students. I chose to do that for my advanced classes, as I have been with them longer and have had absolutely blast of a year... I also gave each to my freshmen advisees. I seriously care for each and every one of them, even if each of them was at least once a royal pain in the butt :) One kid, who has pathological approach to writing anything, wrote a whole paragraph for me... I still need to decipher parts of his handwriting, but just the length of it made me fly to the sky.

It's really difficult to leave, but if I weren't, would I even found out how much I am liked? I think it's the first time that I feel it, from so many people... colleagues, kids, parents. I try to treasure the moments, store them and learn to believe in myself more.

work ethic and personal integrity

It's been hard to master enthusiasm at work, now that I know I am not coming back. But I notice surprisingly low amount of anger and no desire to get revenge. I am looking forward, considering various options of future employment. But I have a colleague in the same situation as mine and I am more and more disappointed with his reaction. He is full of anger, and tries to get me into this spin as well. He does not only joke, but openly says (even to students!) that he's done with teaching for this year. How can he say that? That kind of attitude is robbing off my employer and my students. I am paid for the job I am doing now, and I working because that's what I was hired to do, not because I hope for the employment next year. It's harder now, and I may joke about "what will they do, fire me?", but it's just joking with me. I still take my work very seriously. The students especially did not deserve getting crappy education because of my private issues.

I have noticed some angry reactions from some of the students. Two of them had similar kind of comments - why the school can't fire the "bad teachers". As much as I may have some personal thoughts as to who should go and who should stay and there is some bitterness on my tongue... (I am not a saint!) I try and keep it to myself. I was very clear to the kids, that there are no "bad teachers" in the school. It was nice to hear they express their affection to me, but that's not the way I want it, I don't want to hear I am "better" than my colleague from a fifteen-year old. They can't appreciate the depth of his knowledge, the traditional upbringing he got and the seriousness of his commitment to his traditions. They like me, b/c I am more "cool". But teaching is not a popularity contest.

On Sunday I have my first interview - over the skype. I am nervous but also confident enough. I more and more feel confident about finding something, now the question is, how good and where...

another day in subversive teaching: privilege freedom to/from learning

I've talked already a few times with my kids about privilege. How they understand it, what it means to have it etc. The terms was basically foreign to them, other than having it easier when you are older sibling, or being rewarded in some way.

It was really hard to get through, and I really wonder what they thought after. They were surprised with some examples, and I tried to give them mostly in general or about me, not them. They finally came up with their own - that they are privileged to have a chance to learn in a small community school or to live in a comfortable house. We were getting somewhere. But race, size, gender or sexuality were much more difficult. I guess we got used more to talk about money?

I must say I didn't cross the line to use me us underprivileged in terms sexuality... I still have troubles with them. I used "a gay person" as an example. One day I will be completely open. I think it's not about being... ashamed or anything of that kind, but it's just private!


Some other time, with different students we talked about what is freedom and slavery. Their responses were very thoughtful. But, not surprisingly as there is very little said about it, they didn't know there is still slavery in the US. One kid mentioned sexual exploitation and child trafficking. Soon we will have a research project on modern slavery, they will learn more about the situation in today's world, and the ways to help.

There is one thing that is my serious pet peeve. It's the kids who are oh, such victims, because they are forced to go to school and they are "not even paid". As we say in Polish, blood washes all over me when I hear such snotty, spoiled, privileged talk. I told them of course they are paid pretty well with their clothing, roof, food etc. but then they said that their parents have the obligation... yeah, but not to buy iPods, dozens pairs of shoes, iPhones, gadgets, movies, computers.... these kids don't have any idea. When I said that the obligation was set to protect children's rights, they were all in "pfffft" mode. And the argument about small children in factories was almost ridiculed. I was really close to losing it... I just have to remind myself that these kind of attitudes do not change overnight. I just hope she wakes up

just breath... in... and out... day by day.

birthers are toxic.

I was quite not ready for the answer I received from one of my students when I asked why President Obama could be considered an "outsider" (I was comparing him to the Biblical Moses): "he is not one of us". When I asked to define "us", he said: "Americans", when I started to contradict that that's bullshit and he is an American and that it is all a lie, he started to get all confused talking about "I've read somewhere..." and so on. Of course what I meant was that he spent some years in Indonesia and had untypical upbringing, bridging different ethnicities and race lines, being able to have bot an insider, and an outsider point of view. (Other problem being that the kids knew hardly anything and I, the non-citizen, had to tell them the details. but somehow the "born not in the US" sticks.)
I guess after his yesterday's "joke" gesture making squinted eyes when we talked about ancient Asiatics, should have prepared me for today's bomb. Or his homophobic comments some weeks ago how all gays are disgusting because they shave legs, but lesbians are ok (I added "because they are hot"?).

I had a talk with him after the homophobic talk on sensitivity and homophobia and that I, as a lesbian, felt extremely uncomfortable with his comments. He took it in pretty well.
I also very strongly reacted to his "squinting" gesture, telling him that I wold not accept this kind of racist jokes. He was surprised that it was racist.

Today I also tried to push some point across, about not trusting all he reads/hears, to be critical, to not listen in to idiots. But I have no idea how well it would work.

The good thing? He's a 9th grader, and he's in a very good school with strong emphasis on social justice, human dignity and respect. He may still grow up to be a decent human being.

Another student of mine told me she wants to join "Purple Day" in remembrance of the gay youth suicide with our school. i haven't heard about it before... I told her how to organize it, where to begin and whom to contact.

So yeah, there are the terrifying examples of hurtful ignorance, but also very hopeful, sensitive and open minded youth. I hope the latter will grow.

racism

my students were making an art project today, a family tree of the Biblical patriarchs. two groups chose to make a collage using random faces they found in magazines to represent each person from the four generation.

One group had a choice of mostly white persons with a few Asian and African American between them.

the other group had all white but one. this one was a bigger picture of an African- American man. They put him as the "bad boy" Ismael. Isaac, his "good" brother, was represented by a blond guy with curly hair.

I asked them why they chose this particular picture... they didn't know, just "randomly". But I dont' think it was "random". It's sad how deeply the racist stereotypes and prejudices run, unconscious decision to make the bad guy Black, and the good guy angelic white...

got my hands dirty

I played with clay today. it was part of a special program in our school, linking learning with art. I had fabulous time. This is just such an amazing experience to create, to make your hands dirty with shapeless matter which slowly becomes something. This "something" still wasn't exactly of a beautiful shape, making a vessel is not an easy thing! But I would love to play more with that. I do like painting, but the most fun I have is when I do more spacial stuff, tri-dimensional. I use joint compound, speckle, coffee mixed with glue... I just like when there is more texture. I think I might try and play with the self-drying clay for the beginning, just to see if I really like it. I know I am sometimes of a "hay fire" - I got all excited about new idea but can't finish it.

I had to be a bitch to a student today. I hate to hear "other teachers don't pay attention, you are the only one who cares!" (no it wasn't an expression of my deep feelings and care for the students... but rather for the students' rules and guidebook). I feel bad, but if there are rules, and they make sense, I follow them. It makes my life easier, I hate the doubt and gray zones. The more I can limit them the better. But still feel weird.